How is it that some people have the power to turn your gut upside down in a moment and get it back straight in just the next moment? Amazing. I'm in awe. Me thinks that most of the time, it is about how much power you let the other have on you.

I am so full of all the theory, but completely suck when it comes to the practical use bit. Argh.

I hope to get out of this mess called me soon. The implications are driving me insane. It's not exactly where I want to be, seriously. No matter how cool I am with everything, this is not one place I want to be at. And I am praying as hard as I can that I don't end up there.

You know what makes life this complicated and screwed up. All the shite that happens and all the shite that the shite that happened makes happen. Got the drift? Every action has a reaction. And every reaction has a reaction. And it keeps going on and on and on, spinning this ugly web all around you. A web of actions and reactions. It's suffocating me. It's getting me all claustrophobic. And I am wondering what I will do with the web when I want to live life again, the assumption that there will be such a day at some point of time, a result of my shiny optimism. I am wondering. And I don't have an answer.

I want to wake up and see that this was just a bad dream, a nightmare, an unreal nightmare. I cannot take the worry. It's killing me. And I don't want this to be the cause of my death.

The more the universe seems comprehensible, the more it also seems pointless.

- Steven Weinberg

A brilliant thought by, I am assuming, a brilliant person. Isn't that so true. I mean, what are we all running after, busting our asses for. We don't take nothing with us once the party is over. So, what's the point?

Too much philosophy there.

On a lighter note, I was wondering how each one of you came up with your Blogger IDs. Why did I suddenly wonder? Coz I saw some lately that really did not make any sense to me. So I ask you, what exactly were you thinking when you came up with yours.

And why bubbly vodka? Well, someone used to call me bubbly champagne. I figured champagne would be too long to use. So I zeroed down on another favorite, vodka!

Time. It has been passing by real fast lately. Flying by actually. The days, the week, the months. I'm getting kinda freaked out. I have always tried to push away, procrastinate, ignore, thinking I will have the time to figure them all out later. Tomorrow. Or day after. Or whenever the time is right. But these days, every time I lay my eyes on the calendar, I can feel the time running out. The stopwatch ticking. The sand slipping away from my palms. Like the grip my hands had on time sometime ago vanished overnight. I need to answer all the questions real soon. I need to take the decisions. I need to choose my ways. I'm panicking. Not good.

The weekend flew by. I closed my eyes on Friday night, and it seems like I have opened them straight to a Monday morning. Seriously. The weekend has two days. 48 hours. That is a good amount of time. I know time takes its flights far and away, but never this long. You can't just cruise through 2 days in a 7 day week like it was nothing. I know it probably means I'm having a nice time, loving it, etc etc. Not feeling time drag you through the day is a good thing in the normal world. Agreed on that. But my questions and my decisions and my ways! What am I supposed to do about them? I need to figure something out. Or else I'm screwed.

I felt like I have been living a wishful life today. A wishful life run by my wishful thinkings. Not good. Maybe it's time to pick up the pieces, throw out the imaginary ones, and get going on. Time waits for no man, no?

You know when you want something. Want it with a passion, want it with a burning desire, want it with a wanting? You run after it. You run chasing after it, leaving your life behind. Leaving your everything behind. And after the ups and downs, rises and falls, makes and breaks, you finally get to it. You finally get it. Hold it in your hands, your very own hands. You can't believe it. It feels surreal. It feels good. It feels pretty damn good. But only for a second. Only for a moment. After which you realize it ain't as great as you thought it'd be. You start wondering about what it was it in that you were after, and you just can't put your finger to it. You just cannot figure it out. And you wonder if it was all worth it. But isn't that all you ever wanted at some point of time? Wasn't getting it what your life was all about once upon a time? Didn't you swear to conquer heaven and earth to get to it?

Is it really always about the thrill of the chase? Is it only about the journey, never the end?

It is funny how priorities change in life. Drastically. Overnight. One day you want something, the other day you wonder why you wanted it. One day you think of walking down the road to your right, the next day you start running back to take the other path instead. Will there never be a live happily ever after, where we can just not want anymore, be satisfied with what we have?

I breathed a breath of air today. The kind of air that I used to breathe a year ago. More than a year ago. It feels good. I miss the air, the breaths in the air. The missing kills my heart and my soul. In fact, they were killed. Already dead. That one breath just made them live again, for a moment. I am glad I breathed it today. I felt like you did too.

Breathe. Please. I need your breaths to breathe.

There seems to be a new trend in bloggerville. Naya fashion. Going undercover. Making your blog open to invited users only. Pretty funny that three among the five blogs that I hit today turned invitation-only overnight. Fine, maybe not overnight, but since the time I last visited them. I wonder why. What do you think has sparked the trend? Did the level of privacy invasion spike up suddenly or something? Or is it just plain fashionable?

PS - Bloggers who now have invite only blogs, I have nothing against you, I still love you all. I'm just wondering.

Is it alright to feel this way? Not knowing what to want, what to aim for, what to expect of yourself, what to expect of everything and everyone around you, what to do, what not to do, how much to give, when to stop, what to indulge in, what to refrain from, not knowing almost anything and possibly everything you are supposed to know? Seriously, is it alright to be this lost? At a time in life when you should know everything and do everything you know you should? You're no kid. You're a freaking adult. An adult with a brain. Or a supposed one, one that is supposed to work out everything. Like in an exam, you're supposed to know the answers. You can't survive through school without the answers. You can't get through life without the knowing.

I feel like a fool. A stupid, direction-less, not-in-focus, foolish fool. It's frustrating. Very frustrating. And no matter how hard I try to know, I still don't. I just don't know. Makes me wonder, what I am doing wrong. Or maybe it is all wrong coz I'm not doing anything. Or even trying to.

Letting go. It's not always the best answer to the quizzical questions of life. No one is gonna come and save you when you're drowning. You'll have to swim it out yourself. And even if you don't want to swim and just want to drown, you won't be able to. You'll be stuck in the middle. Smack in the middle of the saving and the drowning. Even the heightened frustration won't take you down. It'll only frustrate you more.

I don't know. Anything. Absolutely anything. And it's frustrating me. To the core.