July 12, 2010

As much as I had always craved for this feeling, I hate it now. I feel like I was a fool to want it. I was much happier before I had it. But I still want to get over this and move on. To the next strata of feelings. And I am sure it will be more than worth it once I'm there.

Why am I talking like a fool? Why am I behaving like a moron?

This was not the way it was meant to be. It was supposed to be formal. Impersonal. Superficial. Fake. A random passing thing. But that is not the way this has turned out to be. With half my head in denial, as I always like it to be, the other half might just be in this for real. I think so. I feel so. My gut says so.

Could this be another one of those wrong guts? It could. Why not. Everything in life has a 50-50 chance of happening. No matter how many theories you rope around the world, the coin always has two sides with equal surfaces, and your flip might fall on either side with an equal chance. It is always a 50-50.

But that also means that I should believe in this for the other half. The other half that might turn true. The other half that will get me to the next level. The other half that will be with me for life.

I suddenly feel that my amazing people-judging capabilities have vanished into thin air. I have been doubting my takes on everything you have been doing, although thinking of it in the split second in which my brain doesn't tick tells me that you are true. I saw it in your eyes. The truth. Which is why I was scared to look into them for too long. Coz I was afraid you would look into my eyes too. You would read into me. You would strip my wall down and see me bare.

You have to say hello now. You cannot not say hello to me and leave me drowning in this misery. You need to come back, and this time in a way that I would have never imagined you to make possible. I want you to say hello. I want you to take my breath away.

So come and look into my eyes now. Coz this time I won't look away.

July 02, 2010

I think I am simply attracted to charisma. No matter what the medium of delivery is.

And I think I can't do things that I am not comfortable with for too long, no matter how right they are.

It's a problem. They both are problems. I need to put a bit more logic around my life. A bit more thinking, a bit more analysis. But I love the free will of the heart. I guess the world is not built to endure this though. I need to be right to get through this life. And it doesn't help that my ways do not agree with the ways of the world.

I am happy today. Touch wood. I would rather do this wrong than that right. It makes me happier. Isn't it all about how you feel deep down inside at the end of the day? Then I should wrong. I think.

I hope one day life will be happy with the right. The history hasn't been too good with that theory, but I have hope. Hope that someday, the theory is what will shine. Hope that one day, I won't be thinking about why I am happy but should not be happy. Hope that there will come a day when I won't be justifying my happiness to myself.

I miss you sometimes. But this time, there will be no more. Isn't it way past high time?

May 23, 2010

Studying is so not my thing. I don't know why I have to keep proving it to myself again and again. All I'm hoping is for my amazing guessing skills to work their charm when I give the test tomorrow. And all will be fine. Touch wood!

I am hungry and about to have some silly instant tomato soup. Not something I would choose to have on a regular day. But I choose it today over going out and trying to figure something better out. Partly because I am lazy, partly because I know that I will have to try a bit too hard to find that better dinner, partly because I don't want to go down and roam the streets alone.

Tomorrow is the start to a full week. A week that is so full to the brim it might just fall off and take me down with it. I want to survive the week. I want to emerge a winner on Friday. Because at the end of the week awaits familiar territories, familiar smells, familiar streets, familiar people, familiar everythings. And a friend. A friend who has been there for me despite everything. A friend who I have always underestimated. A friend who needs me more than ever right now. A friend who I will be there for.