I am starting to hate it that everything is not meant to last forever. Some people are not meant to stay with you for life. Some traits fade away with time. Some things have to perish away. Screw the rule of the world.

And the line. I crossed it anyway. Don't worry. It was not the horizon of my life. I am still alive. And kicking.

Change is the only constant.

They told you that you would fall and bruise and burn in life. They told you all that after all that you would be a better person. They told you that with experience you would grow. They were all wrong. I've fallen, bruised and burnt myself. But I'm not a better person. I have a pocket full of experience but I do not feel more enlightened.

I have lost the spirit in me. Everything seems like a drag. I switch off in the middle of conversations. I can't laugh from the bottom of my heart. And I can't make people laugh anymore. I don't cry coz I want to be macho. I don't speak about myself coz it's all too complicated. I don't even listen coz it all seems like pointless blabbering anyway. I pretend to be having a good time but the people who know me inside out can tell it is all but genuine.

Life and time have metamorphosed me into a whole new person. A whole new person who seems to be a more practical model in terms of functioning effectively in this world. But a whole new person who is no more than a mechanical piece of human. A whole new person who does not know the meaning of butterflies in the stomach or flying high up in the sky. A whole new person who disgusts me. A whole new person who I detest.

I don't want change. If this is what growing is, then no. I don't want to grow. I want to get back to what I was half a decade ago. I want to be as bubbly as bubbly vodka sounds. I want to be me again.

Random. That is what my life has been over the past week or so. Random thoughts. Random doings. Random people. Random meetings. I have been loving random. And this post keeps up with the dictated-from-up-above-in-the-skies theme for the week.

I saw this guy in the lift yesterday. A random guy. And I liked him. Now this doesn't happen quite often with me. An effect of my minimum and apparently high standards, combined with the fact that the guys here are so very pathetic. Trust me. I am not kidding. And so my dormant heart fluttered its wings a tad bit. Not like he was dashingly smart and handsome with a body to die for. I don't know what it was. Probably his persona. I really don't know. Oh well, since he was a random guy, I don't think I'll be seeing him again. But hey random guy, in case you randomly bump into this post, you made my heart go oo la la.

People change. Over time. I need to get used to this. Although this has happened so very many times in the past, it seems to come as a shock to me every time it happens again. With every new person, I think that history will not repeat itself. Oh no, you can’t do the same thing. Everyone is not the same. The vibe here is different. Well, guess what. It's basic human instinct. It is bound to happen. Sooner for some, later with others. Heck even I've changed a hell lot. I probably need to readjust my highly optimistic optimism-meter. Lower it down. Stop expecting people to behave in a certain way. Oh. I might as well achieve nirvana then.

I need something to happen. I feel that my life has suddenly plateaued. I'm on this grassland with no ups and downs and no valleys and no floods and no thunderstorms and no droughts. Just a plain boring flat piece of land. I need something to happen. To rock my world. To make me think and go all crazy. It's like all I'm doing these days is waiting for that something to happen. Do you guys have times like these too?

You know when you want something. Want it with a passion, want it with a burning desire, want it with a wanting? You run after it. You run chasing after it, leaving your life behind. Leaving your everything behind. And after the ups and downs, rises and falls, makes and breaks, you finally get to it. You finally get it. Hold it in your hands, your very own hands. You can't believe it. It feels surreal. It feels good. It feels pretty damn good. But only for a second. Only for a moment. After which you realize it ain't as great as you thought it'd be. You start wondering about what it was it in that you were after, and you just can't put your finger to it. You just cannot figure it out. And you wonder if it was all worth it. But isn't that all you ever wanted at some point of time? Wasn't getting it what your life was all about once upon a time? Didn't you swear to conquer heaven and earth to get to it?

Is it really always about the thrill of the chase? Is it only about the journey, never the end?

It is funny how priorities change in life. Drastically. Overnight. One day you want something, the other day you wonder why you wanted it. One day you think of walking down the road to your right, the next day you start running back to take the other path instead. Will there never be a live happily ever after, where we can just not want anymore, be satisfied with what we have?

I breathed a breath of air today. The kind of air that I used to breathe a year ago. More than a year ago. It feels good. I miss the air, the breaths in the air. The missing kills my heart and my soul. In fact, they were killed. Already dead. That one breath just made them live again, for a moment. I am glad I breathed it today. I felt like you did too.

Breathe. Please. I need your breaths to breathe.