Change is the only constant.

They told you that you would fall and bruise and burn in life. They told you all that after all that you would be a better person. They told you that with experience you would grow. They were all wrong. I've fallen, bruised and burnt myself. But I'm not a better person. I have a pocket full of experience but I do not feel more enlightened.

I have lost the spirit in me. Everything seems like a drag. I switch off in the middle of conversations. I can't laugh from the bottom of my heart. And I can't make people laugh anymore. I don't cry coz I want to be macho. I don't speak about myself coz it's all too complicated. I don't even listen coz it all seems like pointless blabbering anyway. I pretend to be having a good time but the people who know me inside out can tell it is all but genuine.

Life and time have metamorphosed me into a whole new person. A whole new person who seems to be a more practical model in terms of functioning effectively in this world. But a whole new person who is no more than a mechanical piece of human. A whole new person who does not know the meaning of butterflies in the stomach or flying high up in the sky. A whole new person who disgusts me. A whole new person who I detest.

I don't want change. If this is what growing is, then no. I don't want to grow. I want to get back to what I was half a decade ago. I want to be as bubbly as bubbly vodka sounds. I want to be me again.

There are some things that keep you going in life. Things that pull you over all the bumps that life throws at you. Things that can make your crappy day turn into a bright and shiny one. We need to hold on to these things. With dear life. For dear life.

Fiction can, every once in a while, provide you with the hope that the real world tries to snatch away from you time and again. And make you believe again. That you can. It can. Everything will. That twisted stories can iron all the creases off themselves in miraculous ways. That some day you will smile that million dollar smile again without trying too hard. That dreams can be lived.

Complimentary coffees can work wonders. Especially those that make you raise your eyebrows with delight. Here is to more unexpected, wonderful encounters. In life.

I'm doing it all wrong. I know.

I'm burning the bridges. All of them. One by one. I'm burning all the ways that could have led me out of this dungeon you threw me into. Sorry. I threw myself into. The reasons don't count, do they. I know I am making a huge mistake. But I can't seem to get myself to stop. All the anger. The rage. All of it is spreading all around me like an uncontrollable fire. And I'm getting deeper and deeper into the dark. I see no way out.

I need to stop before I burn me down. I need to stop.