Change is the only constant.
They told you that you would fall and bruise and burn in life. They told you all that after all that you would be a better person. They told you that with experience you would grow. They were all wrong. I've fallen, bruised and burnt myself. But I'm not a better person. I have a pocket full of experience but I do not feel more enlightened.
I have lost the spirit in me. Everything seems like a drag. I switch off in the middle of conversations. I can't laugh from the bottom of my heart. And I can't make people laugh anymore. I don't cry coz I want to be macho. I don't speak about myself coz it's all too complicated. I don't even listen coz it all seems like pointless blabbering anyway. I pretend to be having a good time but the people who know me inside out can tell it is all but genuine.
Life and time have metamorphosed me into a whole new person. A whole new person who seems to be a more practical model in terms of functioning effectively in this world. But a whole new person who is no more than a mechanical piece of human. A whole new person who does not know the meaning of butterflies in the stomach or flying high up in the sky. A whole new person who disgusts me. A whole new person who I detest.
I don't want change. If this is what growing is, then no. I don't want to grow. I want to get back to what I was half a decade ago. I want to be as bubbly as bubbly vodka sounds. I want to be me again.
They told you that you would fall and bruise and burn in life. They told you all that after all that you would be a better person. They told you that with experience you would grow. They were all wrong. I've fallen, bruised and burnt myself. But I'm not a better person. I have a pocket full of experience but I do not feel more enlightened.
I have lost the spirit in me. Everything seems like a drag. I switch off in the middle of conversations. I can't laugh from the bottom of my heart. And I can't make people laugh anymore. I don't cry coz I want to be macho. I don't speak about myself coz it's all too complicated. I don't even listen coz it all seems like pointless blabbering anyway. I pretend to be having a good time but the people who know me inside out can tell it is all but genuine.
Life and time have metamorphosed me into a whole new person. A whole new person who seems to be a more practical model in terms of functioning effectively in this world. But a whole new person who is no more than a mechanical piece of human. A whole new person who does not know the meaning of butterflies in the stomach or flying high up in the sky. A whole new person who disgusts me. A whole new person who I detest.
I don't want change. If this is what growing is, then no. I don't want to grow. I want to get back to what I was half a decade ago. I want to be as bubbly as bubbly vodka sounds. I want to be me again.
18 comments:
I find this post all too familiar. And i've asked myself the same question a year and few months ago.
Sit back relax and take it easy. Cos there will be a time when you will look back and smile on these very moments.
Happy holidays!
philosohy!!
I wont say I can relate... I wont say I empathise... coz all that you just said is ME... I am looking for a new better ME... And if not a new ME, I wish I could be as well be what I was exactly 1/2 decade ago...
But there is one difference... "I can make people laugh" on ME... :(
But yes I know things will change... its only the transition thats causing the pain...
I keep believing in what a friend on mine keeps saying... I always knew that looking back on my tears would someday make me laugh, but I never knew that looking back on my laughter would someday make me cry.
well I totally agree with the first paragraph and i do not agree with your interpretation of it. You must have had experiences that made you grow up but you havent learned from them yet from where i see it. May be you are still in the process.
Good luck.
Just a question: all this being the result of what? A relationship?
P.S: You're innately bubbly dear and you will stay like that, there is always s'thing in your posts that gives me a glimpse of that.
J - I hope that's true. The optimistic side of me thinks it will be. You have fun too!
Joie - Yes. I am pretty good at it, right? ;)
Alone - That last line is so weirdly true. Ironic huh.
Still - No. The answer is more like life. You know the innate bubbly-ness. The problem is I see it surface lesser by the day. That is what scares me.
maybe everything is just an illusion, and when you think circumstances are forcing you to bend you around them, they're actually inspiring you to think, fight, and change them to the colour you want. maybe.
Amazes me at times... the way u write ...
seems like u speak my language...
sometimes u just wonder, long long will ur soul live if u prevent it from dissolving in the tears and yet not let it breathe....
did anyone ever die of broken heart?
take a chill pill yaar...
life bohauat lambi hai...
btw, you have been awarded...
so cheer up and come and colllect what's rightfully yours from my abode...
yeah u r
:P
sounds uncomfortably familiar to me too. i am not in a position to give advice, but all i can say is, hold on to the hope that things would change for the better soon.
*hug*
i've all these years prevented me from growing...and yet some things creep thru...and all of us here...could relate to this post...simply because its all part of living life...
i will leave u with this one statement...if u are never lost...how will u find ureself...
I barely know you, but yet soemhow I can relate.
Losing yourself sucks, somtimes I look in the mirror and wonder if I can return to what I was.
I hate the new "me".
I havent really found a way out of it, will drop by and tell you if I do.
** hugs**
oye bubbly where art thee?
Where are you... Have not heard from you for quite some time now.
Really, where are you hiding?
And more importantly, why???
Deewana - That is a way to look at it. You're optimistic-er than me!
Shoe Girl - A dead soul is scary. I try and keep alive whatever little I have left of mine.
HD - Thanks for the award! I have to figure the collecting bit now.
Pseudo - It is a hope that things will never remain the way they are. Hugs.
Mystique - I want to get to the finding soon!
Butterfly - As Mystique said, seems to be a part of living life.
Che, I Walk Alone, PP - Look who's back!
Now that you are back, when do we get to see a new post?
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