I have a question for you. Why wasn't it me? Why wasn't it the proactive me? Why did it have to be the reactive me? Why wasn't it simply me?

Time can heal the wound. But it can never erase the scar. There is no plastic surgery here.

Fcuk. It's hitting me again. I hate it. I feel like someone just dived his hand down my throat and pulled my gut out. Literally. And on the way out he punctured a chamber of my heart, and I can feel it bleeding inside. Bleeding and filling up my chest cavity. I think I'm gonna choke on the blood soon. Too much going on inside. Way too much than my system can handle. When is this going to stop? Seriously, I need to know. It goes all fine for two days, five days, a week and a half. And then a thunderbolt seems to be let loose from somewhere up there, hitting you when everything is bright and shiny, shocking you back to square one. Back to your old, pathetic, miserable self. Ugh. I am disgusted by myself. By how sickeningly weak I can be, how stupidly emotional I can get, and how unseemingly dependent I can behave. I disgust me.

The world is a complicated place to be in. Seriously. It's like one of those mazes, those puzzles, maybe sometimes even close to a labyrinth. Every decision decides what your next encounter in life will be. Make the perfect choice, and you will step into a paradise with the sound of water trickling in the river and the birds humming in the trees and the lovely flowers and the bright sunshine and all that jazz. Make a mistake and you will be thrown into this boiling-toiling-troublingly hellish place. And it's not that one thing that your decision decides. It's a series of things, and in the worst case, all the series of things that ever happen to you in life. Did you know that that one thing you decide on could change your life? What if that isn't the right answer, the answer that wins you the jackpot? Do we always think about it that way when we do have to think? Do we consider that our life, our one and only life is at stake?!

That brings me to thinking and acting on the thought versus simply acting on the thought without thinking about it. You know what I mean? If every decision we take holds so much importance, we should probably start giving more thought to what we think about. Fine, maybe not all the decisions but atleast half of them. You know, the important ones. But, doesn't all the thinking then kill the whole purpose of living life as u feel like and on impulse and all that gyaan? Contradictory eh.

I am more of the impulsive kind. The one who just acts. Not that I don't think. I definitely do think. A hell lot actually. But at the end of the day, I still do what I feel like, even though all the thinking that I've put into it may tell me to do otherwise. So then what's the point? Of all the thinking. I don't know. Maybe it gives me the assurance that I atleast I thought about it, I knew my options, I had the choice of not doing it, but I did it. Or maybe I just think coz I have a brain which compels me to think. And no regretting. Never. I mean, everything in life is an experience. You have the good ones, you have the bad ones too. Just deal with them. If you know how to spring up to the moon with joy, you need to know how to weep buckets to get over a disaster. The good life is about knowing it all.

It's a game. I'm just hoping that when I'm taking my last few breaths on this planet, I'll be able to say to myself, "Game well played, Missy!"