This post is being made under the influence of alcohol. Therefore, it may have more information than I would want to be out here. However, I do promise that I will not edit any of it off. I know you guys deserve a bit of gossip. After all the whining, especially.

So.

I am thinking about the time you and me were at the club and we were at two different ends of the club. Me with my friends. You with your friends. And you kept looking at me. From right across the floor. Every twenty seconds, literally. A friend's friend asked me if you were my guy. I was like yeah and asked him how he knew. He said he could tell.

I am thinking about the time you circled nothings on my back while I was sitting on the bar stool right in front of the bar stool you were on. And you whispered silly stuff into my ears. And all the mushy details that I will refrain from going into. And then you asked me, outside, to show you my feet. I still wonder why. I need to ask you that the next time I see you. Why.

I am thinking about the time you kissed me when we met that night. And then, right in the next moment, you said Strawberry Daiquiri. I said Singapore Sling. I thought that was sexy. Really sexy. And up on the top floor, I waited for you at the bar. Next to me was this fhirang lady, who I helped grab a drink. And you joined me. The fhirang lady told you, "Don't you ever dare let go of her!" You didn't listen to her, did you.

I am thinking about the time I came back from home with all this baggage on my shoulders and my back and my mind. We met after almost a month. And you took me in your arms, holding me there for what felt like forever. I was glad I had you to hold me then. I really needed someone to hold me.

I am thinking about the time you called me up in the morning hours. You never do that. And I felt extra loved. And then you broke up with me that very afternoon. I don't know what you were thinking. But I know you had your reasons. Reasons which you could have phrased in a better way. No one likes surprises. The bad ones. Shocks.

I am thinking about the time when we met after six months. When you called me and I sorta forced you into meeting up. And we were there. At this place where we hardly knew people. Only a few of them. And the chemistry. Oh my holy fcuking lord, the chemistry that was flowing between us. It was insane. I remember us both trying to hide it underneath all the chilled out talk. But it was surfacing up and over again and again and again.

I am thinking about the time you said we have no future. I know you were right. I know you are right. We do not have a future. Though I liked that you said it in that way. It was like you wished so hard that we had that future but we didn't. I still love you, you know. Yeah you do. Not in the lovey-dovey way, but I do love you. As a person. And I hope we can make it through all the chemistry and some day be the bestest of friends. You're the kinda friends I want to have. And I am the kind of friend you want to have. So give it a go boy. I know you can make it happen.

This was the ex. Not THE ex. The rebound guy ex. I know what you must be thinking. If this is what was with the rebound guy, was she literally in heaven with THE guy? Well, the news is that the rebound guy is getting married this week. And I don't know what to feel. I am happy for him, yes I am. I would have never married him anyway. He was more fling material, you know what I mean. But I did like him. So I don't know what exactly to feel. Especially after knowing that all the chemistry and the attraction and the blah blah is still alive. Yes, till date. We're gonna work on it. We have agreed.

Whatever. Let's talk about THE guy. THE guy is now happy. In his life, where he was unhappy and he found me and we became happy and then I realized he had to be happy in his own life and not mine, and I left him. Yes. THE guy that I left. THE guy that I have moaned about all through this blog. He is happy. Good for him. I am happy that he is happy. Isn't that what I wanted anyway. For him to find his happiness in his own sweet life. Then why am I wondering? Makes me wonder.

By the way. Have you noticed that I am generally happy for everyone around me?

I haven't liked a guy in a long long time. Liked in that way. You know, the passionate, firey, makes-you-go-weak-in-the-knees way. Liked beyond general liking. Liked so much so that thoughts of him can fill up all the gaps in my every day thought process. Liked enough to want to spend more and more and more time with him. Liked such that I can feel butterflies popping in my stomach when he is around.

I am starting to get worried about myself. No, the dreamy lift guy does not count. He was a one minute thing. And I never saw him again. Had I seen him and had we had a sex-in-the-city sorta ask-me-out-in-the-lift moment, there could have been a chance I would not be worrying right now. But it did not happen. And I am worrying. So what is the problem? Am I turning gay? Are my standards too high? Have I been looking too horrible lately? Is the wall too high to let anyone peek in? Fine, the wall doesn't count. You need to know your way over and through it. And it's not rocket science, trust me.

I miss the i-like-that-guy feeling. I mean I have eye candys and all that. But someone more real than that. Aaaaaa. I feel sorry for this blog. All it gets is my rambling and ranting. Poor blog.

Why do people have to say X when they actually mean Y. Why do they expect me to understand that it's a Y when they spell it out as X. Am I stupid to think that X is X and not Y when apparently it isn't.

You can't expect everyone to be like you. Come on. Let's get real. People are wired differently. It that so difficult to comprehend after a few decades of meeting humans. I don't get people at times. Especially people who claim to be oh so close to me. Knowing me for so many years does not equate to knowing me as well. Maybe ten minutes of better understanding counts more.

My heart has been big and fluffy all this while, thinking that we were finally getting each other. You just proved me wrong. I think we'll never get there. Ever. Not that I am dying to. Trust me.

Things have been wrong most of the time. And nothing seems to want to get right. Sometimes I wonder if the wrong in the equation is me.

Perfection. Why is it unattainable? Why is it next to impossible? Why is it even a concept if it is so damn difficult to realize?

You know how life has all these pieces. The education piece. The family piece. The career piece. The interests piece. The money piece. The friends piece. The relationship piece. And the many other pieces. You can put in as many pieces as you want to. All the pieces that make your life look like what it does. Very much similar to a jigsaw puzzle. It seems to me that no matter how hard I try, there needs to be at least one piece missing. Usually more than one. But at least one. Sometimes I only have one piece and the many many other ones are no where to be seen. It's like someone is playing hide and seek with me and the pieces. I find one, and the other goes missing. And another is discovered. And two others disappear. And a bunch of them reappear miraculously from nowhere. An exhausting game this is. And I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I just hope that the referee knows when to call it a time out.

While the game has been draining me out, I have been weaving a dream off late. A dream that is too good to be true. A dream that should remain a dream coz I don't think my world has the potential to handle it in reality. A dream that is has gotten me all high in the sky, knowing that the fall from up above there will shatter me once again. A dream that I should probably throw into the garbage bin before it gets a chance to kick me into the trash instead. A dream that someone needs to slap me out of right here, right now.

There are some things that we can never learn. This is one of mine.