July 12, 2010

As much as I had always craved for this feeling, I hate it now. I feel like I was a fool to want it. I was much happier before I had it. But I still want to get over this and move on. To the next strata of feelings. And I am sure it will be more than worth it once I'm there.

Why am I talking like a fool? Why am I behaving like a moron?

This was not the way it was meant to be. It was supposed to be formal. Impersonal. Superficial. Fake. A random passing thing. But that is not the way this has turned out to be. With half my head in denial, as I always like it to be, the other half might just be in this for real. I think so. I feel so. My gut says so.

Could this be another one of those wrong guts? It could. Why not. Everything in life has a 50-50 chance of happening. No matter how many theories you rope around the world, the coin always has two sides with equal surfaces, and your flip might fall on either side with an equal chance. It is always a 50-50.

But that also means that I should believe in this for the other half. The other half that might turn true. The other half that will get me to the next level. The other half that will be with me for life.

I suddenly feel that my amazing people-judging capabilities have vanished into thin air. I have been doubting my takes on everything you have been doing, although thinking of it in the split second in which my brain doesn't tick tells me that you are true. I saw it in your eyes. The truth. Which is why I was scared to look into them for too long. Coz I was afraid you would look into my eyes too. You would read into me. You would strip my wall down and see me bare.

You have to say hello now. You cannot not say hello to me and leave me drowning in this misery. You need to come back, and this time in a way that I would have never imagined you to make possible. I want you to say hello. I want you to take my breath away.

So come and look into my eyes now. Coz this time I won't look away.