I'm losing it. The bubbly-ness. The chirpy-ness. The lively-ness. The charm. The confidence. The spirit, of everything, including living.

I mean, what's the point. I was always a strong believer in the "love hai to life hai" philosophy, still am. It was fine before when I was bumping into random people and the love kinda love didn't really exist. I may have thought that it did, but it didn't. And I came to realize that sooner or later. Life went on then, with the hope that someday the real deal will come along. And then love bhi hogi and life bhi hoga. But ever since I wrecked the love that was love, actually, I don't see the point in living really. And it's not like there is a chance here and things may work out and I should just hang on in there for the right time to come. There is never gonna be a right time. Even if there could be a time, it is never gonna be right. Not for me. No. That is not how I want it to be. It'll be like building your dream house over a graveyard. Of the other people who wanted the very same dream house. You kill all those people, bury them and then build your dream house above it all. I don't wanna be living over the dead. I don't wanna be starting the right thing with something that is so wrong. So utterly wrong.

I admit I did go down that wrong path for a while. I took a few steps down that road. I just wanted to have a taste of the journey, of the love. The love that was what I had always hoped for but its existence was beyond my imagination. Literally beyond my imagination. And I have no regrets. At all. I am in fact so glad I took those steps. Whatever had come over me and made my feet go in that direction, God bless it. I believe it's one of the best things I've ever done. One of the best and truest things. True and pure. Dil se. Like the real dil se. Something so right. But you know sometimes you're strolling around in this gorgeous place, and suddenly you realize that you're in a place you shouldn't be. A forbidden place. A place where any trespasser gets prosecuted. And once that realization hits you, you go beyond all the gorgeous and just run away the fastest you can, run for your life, not looking back.

Here's the thing. I was strolling. I realized. I ran. After the running, there is supposed to be no looking back. But I am still looking. Still staring. At that gorgeous paradise. And it's killing me. Just the looking. I need someone to come by and slap me awake and take me away. But there's no one. Coz no one even knows that I'm staring. Nobody. The only people that knew I was once there and then ran away have been convinced, by me myself, that I have not looked back and that I never will. But I'm still staring. The staring, the looking, the gazing. It's gotten me exhausted. Tired. My eyes are tired. With all those eye bags and dark circles. But I just can't stop.

Save me. I know that love can happen phir se. Keeping in mind the statistics, probably I will have the love thing going again. Maybe not the same kind, maybe not not as good, but maybe even better. That's just me being logical and optimistic and all the things you should be in situations like this. Whatever. For now, please just save me.

kisi ke ishq ke vaade.. kahi hum tod aaye hai
magar yeh dil, yeh jaan, shaayad vahi chhod aaye hai

My first post. On my second blog. And I don't even remember what my first blog was like. I don't even know if it still exists, if any living being has ever read it. Or if it has been buried somewhere amongst the infinite blogs on the www. Who cares... this one's about this one.

So, why this blog? I've tried so many ways out. Alcohol. Partying like the world will end tomorrow. Dating. Corporate whoring. Studying again. Nothing works. I keep finding myself back at the same place, the same place where I left him. That moment in time when I said that I don't want him to be a part of my life anymore. When I decided that I was chasing an impossible dream and it was time to wake up and get real. The minute I decided to step out of my fairytale. Yes, this is another one of those blogs, of a previously-lovesick-currently-heartbroken soul. Another one of those attempts to let loose where no one sees but everyone listens, where people judge but you have the liberty to choose the judgments you'd want to give a damn about, where your heart flows but you don't drown. This is my attempt, to let go.

I don't want to let go. Although I say I want to let go, I don't. I don't want to give up. I wish someone could erase all that has happened in my life and his life and we could start over again and be with each other and live in unending ecstasy. The unending ecstasy he opened my eyes to. The unending ecstasy of being loved by him and loving him back. He was my dream. No. More than my dream. Much more than I could ever imagine to be mine. You know they say that when you have love you don't need anything else. I didn't need anything more than him. He was my inspiration, my rock, my passion, my fire, my courage, my determination, my ego, my pride, my everything. My love. My soul.

And why did I walk away? Let's not get there. It's complicated. Yeah, that's what everyone says. But it is. Complicated. What he was, where I was. The destination was the same. For me, the destination was like another galaxy. I didn't see a way we could get there. Ever. He did see a road to the galaxy though, but walking that road would mean burning down all the other paths and bridges we could ever get on for the rest of our lives. See, it is complicated. And probably nonsensical.

But I love him. Although I walked away from him, I still love him. My soul has loved his soul. And these soul things just don't disappear forever, do they. Even if they could, I would never want this one to. It is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. Stupidly optimistic and lovey dovey still. Par kya kare, ishq kiya hai. I owe him an explanation. On why I suddenly turned into something he could not even recognize. Something that woke up one day and wanted to run away from everything. Something that would snarl and growl and bite and even devour anything that came in her way of escape. A monster. A monster his love could not tame. His love, that had been the most powerful thing over the same monster until just the night before.

Maybe she ran away because she was scared. Of the road to the destination. Maybe she wanted to get real. Or maybe she ran away because she saw no other escape from her beautiful misery. The misery of not being with him. The misery of not being able to feel his love beyond his words and his voice. The misery of dying with the thought of not being able to do it ever in her life. Her beautiful misery. I don't know. I really don't.

Told you it's complicated. Later.