kisi ke ishq ke vaade.. kahi hum tod aaye hai
magar yeh dil, yeh jaan, shaayad vahi chhod aaye hai

My first post. On my second blog. And I don't even remember what my first blog was like. I don't even know if it still exists, if any living being has ever read it. Or if it has been buried somewhere amongst the infinite blogs on the www. Who cares... this one's about this one.

So, why this blog? I've tried so many ways out. Alcohol. Partying like the world will end tomorrow. Dating. Corporate whoring. Studying again. Nothing works. I keep finding myself back at the same place, the same place where I left him. That moment in time when I said that I don't want him to be a part of my life anymore. When I decided that I was chasing an impossible dream and it was time to wake up and get real. The minute I decided to step out of my fairytale. Yes, this is another one of those blogs, of a previously-lovesick-currently-heartbroken soul. Another one of those attempts to let loose where no one sees but everyone listens, where people judge but you have the liberty to choose the judgments you'd want to give a damn about, where your heart flows but you don't drown. This is my attempt, to let go.

I don't want to let go. Although I say I want to let go, I don't. I don't want to give up. I wish someone could erase all that has happened in my life and his life and we could start over again and be with each other and live in unending ecstasy. The unending ecstasy he opened my eyes to. The unending ecstasy of being loved by him and loving him back. He was my dream. No. More than my dream. Much more than I could ever imagine to be mine. You know they say that when you have love you don't need anything else. I didn't need anything more than him. He was my inspiration, my rock, my passion, my fire, my courage, my determination, my ego, my pride, my everything. My love. My soul.

And why did I walk away? Let's not get there. It's complicated. Yeah, that's what everyone says. But it is. Complicated. What he was, where I was. The destination was the same. For me, the destination was like another galaxy. I didn't see a way we could get there. Ever. He did see a road to the galaxy though, but walking that road would mean burning down all the other paths and bridges we could ever get on for the rest of our lives. See, it is complicated. And probably nonsensical.

But I love him. Although I walked away from him, I still love him. My soul has loved his soul. And these soul things just don't disappear forever, do they. Even if they could, I would never want this one to. It is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. Stupidly optimistic and lovey dovey still. Par kya kare, ishq kiya hai. I owe him an explanation. On why I suddenly turned into something he could not even recognize. Something that woke up one day and wanted to run away from everything. Something that would snarl and growl and bite and even devour anything that came in her way of escape. A monster. A monster his love could not tame. His love, that had been the most powerful thing over the same monster until just the night before.

Maybe she ran away because she was scared. Of the road to the destination. Maybe she wanted to get real. Or maybe she ran away because she saw no other escape from her beautiful misery. The misery of not being with him. The misery of not being able to feel his love beyond his words and his voice. The misery of dying with the thought of not being able to do it ever in her life. Her beautiful misery. I don't know. I really don't.

Told you it's complicated. Later.