It was a sweet surrender. The problem - I surrendered just a bit too much. I surrendered more than I had.

And now I am finding it difficult to find myself.

Am I ever going to find myself? Am I ever going to be myself again? Yeah, it happens again and all that. I know. But it needs to be better each time to take you as high and higher. Coz the high that you now know is no longer a high. Relatively. You know what I mean? It's like the limits that we have. Every time, usually at the most unexpected of times, we surpass our limits, go beyond our comfort zones, find new territories and create new boundaries. But what do you do if this limit was the farthest it could get anyway? What do you do if this was the perfect high? It was the limit that you didn't even know existed in your world, or in any other world for that matter. It was the dream limit. The fairytale high. What happens after that?

I know. The theory of hope. The theory that I never even knew the fence that I reached ever existed. And now I think that there is no other fence. But that is exactly what I used to think before I saw this fence. So the whole thing can work the same way again and I can find a new fence, it's not impossible. Blah blah. No matter how whatever I may seem, I am a hopeless optimist at the end of the day, at the bottom of my heart. And somewhere deep down, no matter how much I shun the thought at first thought, I will keep believing that the theory can, and will work again. The optimism that kills. Maybe that is why I keep trying to grab these unattainable deals with these unrealistically high risks, high to the level where the high-risk-high-return theory just plateaus and fails.

Hope is a bad bad thing. It makes you build all these castles in the air, it makes you dream like there is no tomorrow. And then when you finally step into tomorrow and there are no castles and no dreams and no nothing other than the same old, it pains like crazy. The piercing kinda pain. I remember a movie which put forth a theory. It hurts when the dream breaks, so the solution to a hurt-free life is to stop dreaming. I agree with that, 110%. That is probably the most logical solution. But I can't bring myself to stop dreaming, hoping, building my dream castles. Because I am me. So the problem is me. And that is not gonna change ever, the fundamentals never change. Maybe I will just have to keep dreaming, falling, and rising again to dream another dream.

On another note, I love friends. The real friends. There is nothing better than the real friends. And I love my real friends. Here is the thing about the real friends, versus just the friends. You need to fall to rise. The real ones know just how far down you need to fall before they catch you.