Where have you been, you ask.

Same place, really. I've just been busy being bubbly.

I don't know what has made the difference. I swear. But I am more bubbly. You remember? That was my promise, to myself. Is it the mere thought that has worked its wonder? Can't be. Not like I didn't have the thought in my head last year. And no, I have not been proactively doing bubbly things this year either. Oh well. Whatever it is, stick on. I am loving it.

You look happy-high. You have been amazingly positive lately.

Touchwood. Yes you too, quickly touchwood!

On another note. On one of my thought pondering notes. I wonder if I ask for too much. I wonder if I expect too much. I know it's not impossible. But the chance of it being possible is sitting on the seat right next to impossible. Is too much hope too bad? Is hanging on too hard too suffocating?

I will be giving up on the hope sometime soon. I will have to.

And in the meanwhile, I am trying to make it work. But you know. The things that really work like magic are the things that work themselves out. Not the ones you try to make work. And I want magic.

Change is the only constant.

They told you that you would fall and bruise and burn in life. They told you all that after all that you would be a better person. They told you that with experience you would grow. They were all wrong. I've fallen, bruised and burnt myself. But I'm not a better person. I have a pocket full of experience but I do not feel more enlightened.

I have lost the spirit in me. Everything seems like a drag. I switch off in the middle of conversations. I can't laugh from the bottom of my heart. And I can't make people laugh anymore. I don't cry coz I want to be macho. I don't speak about myself coz it's all too complicated. I don't even listen coz it all seems like pointless blabbering anyway. I pretend to be having a good time but the people who know me inside out can tell it is all but genuine.

Life and time have metamorphosed me into a whole new person. A whole new person who seems to be a more practical model in terms of functioning effectively in this world. But a whole new person who is no more than a mechanical piece of human. A whole new person who does not know the meaning of butterflies in the stomach or flying high up in the sky. A whole new person who disgusts me. A whole new person who I detest.

I don't want change. If this is what growing is, then no. I don't want to grow. I want to get back to what I was half a decade ago. I want to be as bubbly as bubbly vodka sounds. I want to be me again.