Bubbly-icious

2010-07-12T15:52:00.004+01:00

As much as I had always craved for this feeling, I hate it now. I feel like I was a fool to want it. I was much happier before I had it. But I still want to get over this and move on. To the next strata of feelings. And I am sure it will be more than worth it once I'm there.

Why am I talking like a fool? Why am I behaving like a moron?

This was not the way it was meant to be. It was supposed to be formal. Impersonal. Superficial. Fake. A random passing thing. But that is not the way this has turned out to be. With half my head in denial, as I always like it to be, the other half might just be in this for real. I think so. I feel so. My gut says so.

Could this be another one of those wrong guts? It could. Why not. Everything in life has a 50-50 chance of happening. No matter how many theories you rope around the world, the coin always has two sides with equal surfaces, and your flip might fall on either side with an equal chance. It is always a 50-50.

But that also means that I should believe in this for the other half. The other half that might turn true. The other half that will get me to the next level. The other half that will be with me for life.

I suddenly feel that my amazing people-judging capabilities have vanished into thin air. I have been doubting my takes on everything you have been doing, although thinking of it in the split second in which my brain doesn't tick tells me that you are true. I saw it in your eyes. The truth. Which is why I was scared to look into them for too long. Coz I was afraid you would look into my eyes too. You would read into me. You would strip my wall down and see me bare.

You have to say hello now. You cannot not say hello to me and leave me drowning in this misery. You need to come back, and this time in a way that I would have never imagined you to make possible. I want you to say hello. I want you to take my breath away.

So come and look into my eyes now. Coz this time I won't look away.

2010-07-02T18:22:00.003+01:00

I think I am simply attracted to charisma. No matter what the medium of delivery is.

And I think I can't do things that I am not comfortable with for too long, no matter how right they are.

It's a problem. They both are problems. I need to put a bit more logic around my life. A bit more thinking, a bit more analysis. But I love the free will of the heart. I guess the world is not built to endure this though. I need to be right to get through this life. And it doesn't help that my ways do not agree with the ways of the world.

I am happy today. Touch wood. I would rather do this wrong than that right. It makes me happier. Isn't it all about how you feel deep down inside at the end of the day? Then I should wrong. I think.

I hope one day life will be happy with the right. The history hasn't been too good with that theory, but I have hope. Hope that someday, the theory is what will shine. Hope that one day, I won't be thinking about why I am happy but should not be happy. Hope that there will come a day when I won't be justifying my happiness to myself.

I miss you sometimes. But this time, there will be no more. Isn't it way past high time?

2010-05-23T13:35:00.003+01:00

Studying is so not my thing. I don't know why I have to keep proving it to myself again and again. All I'm hoping is for my amazing guessing skills to work their charm when I give the test tomorrow. And all will be fine. Touch wood!

I am hungry and about to have some silly instant tomato soup. Not something I would choose to have on a regular day. But I choose it today over going out and trying to figure something better out. Partly because I am lazy, partly because I know that I will have to try a bit too hard to find that better dinner, partly because I don't want to go down and roam the streets alone.

Tomorrow is the start to a full week. A week that is so full to the brim it might just fall off and take me down with it. I want to survive the week. I want to emerge a winner on Friday. Because at the end of the week awaits familiar territories, familiar smells, familiar streets, familiar people, familiar everythings. And a friend. A friend who has been there for me despite everything. A friend who I have always underestimated. A friend who needs me more than ever right now. A friend who I will be there for.

2010-05-20T17:14:00.003+01:00

Perhaps it's some thing about the city. The last time I was here, I was ditched. Tonight, I was ditched again. I thought it would be different this time. I thought I had been wrong the first time. I gave the first impression a chance that it would not last a life time. I wanted to be wrong this one time. But no.

It's not that difficult is it. A girl alone in a big city needs a hand to hold on to. Until she figures her way around on her own. You should know it. Aren't you in the same shoes? The picture is painted pretty and shiny and bright and exciting. But you don't always get what you see.

I haven't felt this way in a long time. I hope I won't be feeling it for too long a time.

2009-03-25T12:07:00.004Z

Where have you been, you ask.

Same place, really. I've just been busy being bubbly.

I don't know what has made the difference. I swear. But I am more bubbly. You remember? That was my promise, to myself. Is it the mere thought that has worked its wonder? Can't be. Not like I didn't have the thought in my head last year. And no, I have not been proactively doing bubbly things this year either. Oh well. Whatever it is, stick on. I am loving it.

You look happy-high. You have been amazingly positive lately.

Touchwood. Yes you too, quickly touchwood!

On another note. On one of my thought pondering notes. I wonder if I ask for too much. I wonder if I expect too much. I know it's not impossible. But the chance of it being possible is sitting on the seat right next to impossible. Is too much hope too bad? Is hanging on too hard too suffocating?

I will be giving up on the hope sometime soon. I will have to.

And in the meanwhile, I am trying to make it work. But you know. The things that really work like magic are the things that work themselves out. Not the ones you try to make work. And I want magic.

2009-02-15T08:42:00.004Z

I am starting to hate it that everything is not meant to last forever. Some people are not meant to stay with you for life. Some traits fade away with time. Some things have to perish away. Screw the rule of the world.

And the line. I crossed it anyway. Don't worry. It was not the horizon of my life. I am still alive. And kicking.

2009-01-28T15:08:00.007Z

Lines. They're all over your life. Right there in front of you. Diagonally across. Some near the horizon where you can barely see. Some like a mirage, appearing and disappearing in front of your eyes every second. Some ones invisible. You don't know they exist until ages after. There are even lines that you have to draw for yourself at all the right places. And then there are the lines you have left behind. The ones you see near and far every time you turn to look back over your shoulder.

In an ideal world, there should be no lines behind you. All of them should lie ahead of you, right in front of your eyes. And in this ideal world, the ideal you with all the ideal wisdom in your head should know never to step over any of these lines. Crossing the line is what makes you from right to wrong, good to bad, pretty to ugly.

I have an inherent problem. I don't care about the lines. I know that they are there and I know that I should not be crossing them. But I don't care. I keep jumping over and across them like I'm playing hopscotch. No, seriously. It's like a game for me. An extra point for one more line crossed. No competition. There are no other people in the game. I am my competition. It's crazy. And I'm all wrong and bad and ugly now.

I need to stop the game. I am trying. Promise. It is one of my things this year. And you know what. Today, I had a line laid flat in front of me. A line on the other side of which there was a sweet calling for my name. A line on the other side of which I would have and would have been deceived for a temporary high. A line on the other side of which I would have touched a new low. And I decided to walk away from that line. Despite all the temptations. I walked away and I walked a step closer to the finish line of my game. I'm going to get there. Very soon. Very very soon.

2009-01-09T18:32:00.005Z

Cheers to the new year. A year which has started on mixed notes. Happy. Wrong. Exciting. Mundane. Hopeful. Real. Surprising. Scary. High. Rocking. And I do not know which one I should take as the note that will be for the coming 355 days.

It has been interesting so far. Something to continue to pay the bills. Bozo players and wishfully thought of decent players in the field. Half a year of trotting, albeit minuscule, planned. Potential for life altering. All in all, excitement. Probably not a daily dose, but monthly doses seem pretty much guarenteed. I could use a more happening life, you know.

I was on a jet last year. It flew me by faster than the blink of my eye. Some good. Some bad. I learnt that sooner or later, you have to come to terms with all that happens. I learnt that I could get all that I wanted as long as I wanted it bad enough. I learnt that morality is a notion that is incredibly difficult to act upon 24/7. I learnt that age is just a number. I learnt that we can have new beginnings. I learnt that the wounds heal but the scars never fade. I learnt that friends hold your hand and pull you through when you feel like you have lost your legs. I learnt that somethings can never be said. I learnt that intuition exists.

2009. I wait and hope and pray for you to be better. They don't say better by the year for nothing. So live up to it. My only resolve to you in return - I will return to being me.

PS - Sorries for the disappearing act. I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue the cribbing on this blog. Ten minutes ago, I figured, what the heck!

2008-12-11T15:24:00.008Z

Change is the only constant.

They told you that you would fall and bruise and burn in life. They told you all that after all that you would be a better person. They told you that with experience you would grow. They were all wrong. I've fallen, bruised and burnt myself. But I'm not a better person. I have a pocket full of experience but I do not feel more enlightened.

I have lost the spirit in me. Everything seems like a drag. I switch off in the middle of conversations. I can't laugh from the bottom of my heart. And I can't make people laugh anymore. I don't cry coz I want to be macho. I don't speak about myself coz it's all too complicated. I don't even listen coz it all seems like pointless blabbering anyway. I pretend to be having a good time but the people who know me inside out can tell it is all but genuine.

Life and time have metamorphosed me into a whole new person. A whole new person who seems to be a more practical model in terms of functioning effectively in this world. But a whole new person who is no more than a mechanical piece of human. A whole new person who does not know the meaning of butterflies in the stomach or flying high up in the sky. A whole new person who disgusts me. A whole new person who I detest.

I don't want change. If this is what growing is, then no. I don't want to grow. I want to get back to what I was half a decade ago. I want to be as bubbly as bubbly vodka sounds. I want to be me again.

2008-12-09T14:56:00.004Z

There are some things that keep you going in life. Things that pull you over all the bumps that life throws at you. Things that can make your crappy day turn into a bright and shiny one. We need to hold on to these things. With dear life. For dear life.

Fiction can, every once in a while, provide you with the hope that the real world tries to snatch away from you time and again. And make you believe again. That you can. It can. Everything will. That twisted stories can iron all the creases off themselves in miraculous ways. That some day you will smile that million dollar smile again without trying too hard. That dreams can be lived.

Complimentary coffees can work wonders. Especially those that make you raise your eyebrows with delight. Here is to more unexpected, wonderful encounters. In life.

2008-12-04T09:55:00.007Z

I'm doing it all wrong. I know.

I'm burning the bridges. All of them. One by one. I'm burning all the ways that could have led me out of this dungeon you threw me into. Sorry. I threw myself into. The reasons don't count, do they. I know I am making a huge mistake. But I can't seem to get myself to stop. All the anger. The rage. All of it is spreading all around me like an uncontrollable fire. And I'm getting deeper and deeper into the dark. I see no way out.

I need to stop before I burn me down. I need to stop.

2008-11-27T03:21:00.002Z

This is the point where the dream shatters and leaves me pierced and pained with little bits and pieces of it. Again. See. That is why you should not hope. As much as I say that you should look at the world with bright, shiny eyes and nuture dreams in them like they are your very own babies, you should not. It's all crappy optimism that gets you nowhere. We need to get real. I need to get real. I need to stop dreaming. Especially the year-end dreaming. Bad bad time to dream. I don't learn from mistakes, do I. Only a miracle can do the wonder now. And no. They do not happen as often as you would like them to.

On another note. I pray that all in Mumbai are safe. The world is becoming deadlier by the day.

2008-11-23T10:44:00.003Z

Lies. They are the things people use to keep themselves looking pretty in the picture. And make the others look ugly. At times, they can make everyone look pretty and hide the ugly little secret that would have made the world fall apart. They can break hearts. Shatter hopes. Dissolve dreams. Kill you alive. And then, there are the lies that can make you live your life the way that you probably would not have had you known the truth.

The truth is scary. Most of the time. Almost all of the time. Maybe that is why the lies exist. To make the world less horrifying. And brighter. And shinier.

People find themselves running away from the truth time and again. Telling themselves lies. Like they are their favourite bed time stories. Like they are the fairy tales everyone is supposed to believe in. And they do. Believe in the lies. For sometime. But every once in a while, it hits you. The lie that you are living. And you just want to sit in a dark corner and run everything through your head again and again and again. To want to figure out what went wrong. Where it all went wrong. And you keep sitting and figuring. And when you realize that you still don't know and probably never will, you gather the courage to start telling yourself those lies again. Coz you know there is no other way out. To carry on.

They say if you repeat a lie with enough conviction, it often becomes the truth. I wonder if that will be the fate of all the sweet lies I keep singing to myself.

2008-11-18T04:11:00.001Z

I was reading about biscuits. And I got reminded of the Britannia Nice biscuits you get in India. Coconut biscuits with hard sugar sprinkled on them. I want them. Now. I haven't had them in ages! Now now NOW!

It is pretty evident. I have nothing better to blog about. I hope to be back with something better. No, I will be back with something better. Soon. Take good care.

2008-11-02T16:07:00.007Z

I want to blog. And I am not feeling particularly poetic or wordy or thoughtful or anything on those lines. So. It is tag time!

Trillian tagged me almost an era ago. I am slow, I know. But I made it. And here it is.

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 6 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Shattered. Shocked. Scarred. I would cry my eyes out initially. And then do my be-strong-and-move-on act. Yes, the make-believe one.

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
This is a tough one. I have so many of them. You know that. My pick right now - to have hair like Priyanka Chopra. I know, a very bimbotic pick. But what can I do. She does have gorgeous hair. All those curls and locks. Omg.

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
No one I can think of really. But if you insist, my boss perhaps?

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Travel the world. Own a heavenly home. Indulge in retail therapy. And here is the smart bit. Invest. I wish I could be half this smart in reality.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
I don't know. I have never done this, so I can't really say. Though I think I'd like the lover and the best friend to be separate. Variety.

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?

Being loved by someone you love.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
Forever. Not. Not unless you are like God himself. I am a very impatient person generally.

8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?

Drop hints all around, in an imaginary circle, and then wait and watch. Like a sly wolf waiting for his prey.

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
Child labour.

10. What takes you down the fastest?
Broken dreams. Down down down.

11. Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
In that heavenly home of mine. Being a kick-ass mom.

12. What’s your fear?
Creepy crawlies. Seriously.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
A funky cool chica.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
Single and rich. No. I can't survive on love alone.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Wonder if I am late again.

16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
I'll toss a coin. Lol. No. The one I love more. The one that feels more real.

17. Would you give all in a relationship?

For sure. It's all or nothing baby.

18. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?
Forgive, maybe. Depends on my love for the person. Forget, probably never. You can't erase out memory, right?

19. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
In a relationship. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. But still.

20. List of 6 people to tag:
Preeti
J
Shoe Girl
Che
Deewana
Still

So long.

2008-10-23T14:07:00.006+01:00

This post is being made under the influence of alcohol. Therefore, it may have more information than I would want to be out here. However, I do promise that I will not edit any of it off. I know you guys deserve a bit of gossip. After all the whining, especially.

So.

I am thinking about the time you and me were at the club and we were at two different ends of the club. Me with my friends. You with your friends. And you kept looking at me. From right across the floor. Every twenty seconds, literally. A friend's friend asked me if you were my guy. I was like yeah and asked him how he knew. He said he could tell.

I am thinking about the time you circled nothings on my back while I was sitting on the bar stool right in front of the bar stool you were on. And you whispered silly stuff into my ears. And all the mushy details that I will refrain from going into. And then you asked me, outside, to show you my feet. I still wonder why. I need to ask you that the next time I see you. Why.

I am thinking about the time you kissed me when we met that night. And then, right in the next moment, you said Strawberry Daiquiri. I said Singapore Sling. I thought that was sexy. Really sexy. And up on the top floor, I waited for you at the bar. Next to me was this fhirang lady, who I helped grab a drink. And you joined me. The fhirang lady told you, "Don't you ever dare let go of her!" You didn't listen to her, did you.

I am thinking about the time I came back from home with all this baggage on my shoulders and my back and my mind. We met after almost a month. And you took me in your arms, holding me there for what felt like forever. I was glad I had you to hold me then. I really needed someone to hold me.

I am thinking about the time you called me up in the morning hours. You never do that. And I felt extra loved. And then you broke up with me that very afternoon. I don't know what you were thinking. But I know you had your reasons. Reasons which you could have phrased in a better way. No one likes surprises. The bad ones. Shocks.

I am thinking about the time when we met after six months. When you called me and I sorta forced you into meeting up. And we were there. At this place where we hardly knew people. Only a few of them. And the chemistry. Oh my holy fcuking lord, the chemistry that was flowing between us. It was insane. I remember us both trying to hide it underneath all the chilled out talk. But it was surfacing up and over again and again and again.

I am thinking about the time you said we have no future. I know you were right. I know you are right. We do not have a future. Though I liked that you said it in that way. It was like you wished so hard that we had that future but we didn't. I still love you, you know. Yeah you do. Not in the lovey-dovey way, but I do love you. As a person. And I hope we can make it through all the chemistry and some day be the bestest of friends. You're the kinda friends I want to have. And I am the kind of friend you want to have. So give it a go boy. I know you can make it happen.

This was the ex. Not THE ex. The rebound guy ex. I know what you must be thinking. If this is what was with the rebound guy, was she literally in heaven with THE guy? Well, the news is that the rebound guy is getting married this week. And I don't know what to feel. I am happy for him, yes I am. I would have never married him anyway. He was more fling material, you know what I mean. But I did like him. So I don't know what exactly to feel. Especially after knowing that all the chemistry and the attraction and the blah blah is still alive. Yes, till date. We're gonna work on it. We have agreed.

Whatever. Let's talk about THE guy. THE guy is now happy. In his life, where he was unhappy and he found me and we became happy and then I realized he had to be happy in his own life and not mine, and I left him. Yes. THE guy that I left. THE guy that I have moaned about all through this blog. He is happy. Good for him. I am happy that he is happy. Isn't that what I wanted anyway. For him to find his happiness in his own sweet life. Then why am I wondering? Makes me wonder.

By the way. Have you noticed that I am generally happy for everyone around me?

2008-10-22T06:42:00.003+01:00

I haven't liked a guy in a long long time. Liked in that way. You know, the passionate, firey, makes-you-go-weak-in-the-knees way. Liked beyond general liking. Liked so much so that thoughts of him can fill up all the gaps in my every day thought process. Liked enough to want to spend more and more and more time with him. Liked such that I can feel butterflies popping in my stomach when he is around.

I am starting to get worried about myself. No, the dreamy lift guy does not count. He was a one minute thing. And I never saw him again. Had I seen him and had we had a sex-in-the-city sorta ask-me-out-in-the-lift moment, there could have been a chance I would not be worrying right now. But it did not happen. And I am worrying. So what is the problem? Am I turning gay? Are my standards too high? Have I been looking too horrible lately? Is the wall too high to let anyone peek in? Fine, the wall doesn't count. You need to know your way over and through it. And it's not rocket science, trust me.

I miss the i-like-that-guy feeling. I mean I have eye candys and all that. But someone more real than that. Aaaaaa. I feel sorry for this blog. All it gets is my rambling and ranting. Poor blog.

2008-10-14T19:11:00.004+01:00

Why do people have to say X when they actually mean Y. Why do they expect me to understand that it's a Y when they spell it out as X. Am I stupid to think that X is X and not Y when apparently it isn't.

You can't expect everyone to be like you. Come on. Let's get real. People are wired differently. It that so difficult to comprehend after a few decades of meeting humans. I don't get people at times. Especially people who claim to be oh so close to me. Knowing me for so many years does not equate to knowing me as well. Maybe ten minutes of better understanding counts more.

My heart has been big and fluffy all this while, thinking that we were finally getting each other. You just proved me wrong. I think we'll never get there. Ever. Not that I am dying to. Trust me.

2008-10-06T07:37:00.001+01:00

Things have been wrong most of the time. And nothing seems to want to get right. Sometimes I wonder if the wrong in the equation is me.

2008-10-02T12:09:00.004+01:00

Perfection. Why is it unattainable? Why is it next to impossible? Why is it even a concept if it is so damn difficult to realize?

You know how life has all these pieces. The education piece. The family piece. The career piece. The interests piece. The money piece. The friends piece. The relationship piece. And the many other pieces. You can put in as many pieces as you want to. All the pieces that make your life look like what it does. Very much similar to a jigsaw puzzle. It seems to me that no matter how hard I try, there needs to be at least one piece missing. Usually more than one. But at least one. Sometimes I only have one piece and the many many other ones are no where to be seen. It's like someone is playing hide and seek with me and the pieces. I find one, and the other goes missing. And another is discovered. And two others disappear. And a bunch of them reappear miraculously from nowhere. An exhausting game this is. And I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I just hope that the referee knows when to call it a time out.

While the game has been draining me out, I have been weaving a dream off late. A dream that is too good to be true. A dream that should remain a dream coz I don't think my world has the potential to handle it in reality. A dream that is has gotten me all high in the sky, knowing that the fall from up above there will shatter me once again. A dream that I should probably throw into the garbage bin before it gets a chance to kick me into the trash instead. A dream that someone needs to slap me out of right here, right now.

There are some things that we can never learn. This is one of mine.

2008-09-26T13:42:00.005+01:00

Random. That is what my life has been over the past week or so. Random thoughts. Random doings. Random people. Random meetings. I have been loving random. And this post keeps up with the dictated-from-up-above-in-the-skies theme for the week.

I saw this guy in the lift yesterday. A random guy. And I liked him. Now this doesn't happen quite often with me. An effect of my minimum and apparently high standards, combined with the fact that the guys here are so very pathetic. Trust me. I am not kidding. And so my dormant heart fluttered its wings a tad bit. Not like he was dashingly smart and handsome with a body to die for. I don't know what it was. Probably his persona. I really don't know. Oh well, since he was a random guy, I don't think I'll be seeing him again. But hey random guy, in case you randomly bump into this post, you made my heart go oo la la.

People change. Over time. I need to get used to this. Although this has happened so very many times in the past, it seems to come as a shock to me every time it happens again. With every new person, I think that history will not repeat itself. Oh no, you can’t do the same thing. Everyone is not the same. The vibe here is different. Well, guess what. It's basic human instinct. It is bound to happen. Sooner for some, later with others. Heck even I've changed a hell lot. I probably need to readjust my highly optimistic optimism-meter. Lower it down. Stop expecting people to behave in a certain way. Oh. I might as well achieve nirvana then.

I need something to happen. I feel that my life has suddenly plateaued. I'm on this grassland with no ups and downs and no valleys and no floods and no thunderstorms and no droughts. Just a plain boring flat piece of land. I need something to happen. To rock my world. To make me think and go all crazy. It's like all I'm doing these days is waiting for that something to happen. Do you guys have times like these too?

2008-09-19T18:36:00.003+01:00

Wednesday on a Friday. One word to sum it up. Brilliant. And relevant too, coincidentally, or otherwise. Go watch the movie.

Apparently, I have a wall around me. An invisible wall. One that does not allow me to portray all that I feel on the inside in real time to the person next to me. No, not all the time. Half of them. It seems like I have this subconscious need to guard myself at times. Guard myself from the big bad world. I know its a self defense mechanism and people do resort to it every now and then. But mine is more frequent that it should be. Often unnecessary. This is bad. I'm into raw and natural and organic. Not the food, the person. You know what I mean. And the sort of wall sort of hinders me to be what I want to be. I want to be but I can't be.

On another note, I have been wondering about surprises lately. I love surprises. The pleasant ones of course. It's all about managing your expectations. And when you, some other person, or life in general, happens to surpass your expectations and land something unexpectedly awesome on your plate, it feels good. Great in fact. Touch wood for all the goodness in life. And a toast to wonderful times ahead. Cheers.

2008-09-14T07:35:00.005+01:00

Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway. There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to know that it really is a mistake is to make that mistake and go, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go about your whole life not knowing whether it was a mistake or not.

- How I Met Your Mother

Karma has this weird way of creeping up your back and biting you in the ass when you least expect it to. It is at times like these that you wonder why you did the things that you have done.

I have made mistakes. This is to make me feel better.

On the brighter side, I have learned. There is no better way of learning, is there?

2008-09-10T16:15:00.006+01:00

Seriously. What is wrong with people? Or am I the only one blessed with a decisive mind in this world of fools?

It is a decision. One fcuking decision. A teeny weeny decision that, as much as you want it to, will not change your life. It is as simple as you have 10 apples and 2 baskets and you have to distribute the apples into the baskets in any random way you please. In random way. Very simple. Why, why is it so difficult? It is so beyond me. Really. I cannot figure out the complexity. Or complexities. Those that have been keeping you from taking that damn decision.

And why do I always have to come and sort out the mess and show you the way out of the black hole, back into the universe? No, it's not only you. It's every freaking person who needs to make a decision around me. Fine, that's blowing it way out of proportion. But every third person for sure. Do I have some sort of something plastered on my forehead that says I know all the answers? Or do I look like I have attained the state of nirvana and letting me take your decisions for you is the only way you can inch closer to salvation?

Grrrrr. Yes I growl.

I need a change. I need to be at the other end. I need to know what it is like on the flip side. I need you or whoever to be taking my decisions for me. Maybe not. But I definitely do not need to be taking your decisions for you. Grow up.

2008-09-07T12:58:00.004+01:00

I'm picking up this tag from Humble Devil coz it looks like fun. Ys and Ns to random have-you-ever-dones.

Y. Smoked a cigarette. One puff. I don't think I ever want to have another.
N. Done some form of dope.
N. Crashed a friend's car.
N. Stolen a car.
Y. Been in love.
Y. Been dumped. Although it was not exactly dumped. More on the lines of let go.
N. Shoplifted.
N. Been fired.
Y. Been in a fist fight. Not really a fight. I punched this guy in the face with my fist. Does that count?
Y. Sneaked out of your parent's house.
Y. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
Y. Gone on a blind date.
Y. Lied to a friend.
Y. Skipped school. I used to do it quite often actually, once upon a time.
Y. Seen someone die. In front of my eyes. The slow painful death. Not pretty. Wrecking would be appropriate.
Y. Had a crush on one of your Internet friends.
N. Been to Canada. I would love to some time.
N. Been to Mexico. And I would love to again. A travel freak I am.
Y. Been on a plane. Not a fan.
Y. Eaten sushi.
Y. Been skiing, snow or water. Water.
Y. Met someone from the Internet.
Y. Been at a concert. Love them concerts and shows.
Y. Taken painkillers. Now this is a retarded question.
Y. Love someone or miss someone right now.
Y. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by. More like laid on the beach lounge chair.
N. Made a snow angel. Is this like an angel drawn out in snow?
N. Had a tea party. Come on, I am not part of British royalty.
N. Flown a kite. Sad. I have always wanted to.
Y. Built a sand castle. More like boring sand hills.
Y. Gone puddle jumping. In the rain.
N. Played dress up. Not that I can remember.
N. Jumped into a pile of leaves.
N. Gone sledding.
Y. Cheated while playing a game.
Y. Been lonely.
Y. Fallen asleep at work/school. Both places. I love my sleep.
N. Used a fake ID.
Y. Watched the sun set. My favorite sunsets are by the beach and the middle of the ocean.
Y. Watched someone sleep.
Y. Felt an earthquake. I thought I was having a dizzy spell, attributed it to stress and decided to take things slower in case I may be nearing a brain hemorrhage. An hour later, I learnt that I was in the middle of an earthquake.
Y. Slept beneath the stars.
Y. Been tickled. Another retarded one.
N. Been robbed.
Y. Been misunderstood. Come on. Isn't this what the world and its complications revolve around?
N. Pet a reindeer/goat/kangaroo. Dog, yes.
Y. Won a contest. A silly one. Unfortunately it was not a lottery.
N. Run a red light/stop sign.
N. Been suspended from school. I have been suspended from class though.
N. Been in a car crash. I was almost in one. Touch wood.
N. Had braces. I freaked out when the dentist told me I would have to extract two teeth to get them on.
Y. Felt like an outcast/third person. Third person.
N. Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night. I can't do too much of sweet in one go.
Y. Had deja vu.
Y. Danced in the moonlight. Coolness.
Y. Liked the way you looked.
Y. Witnessed a crime. More of a moral than a legal crime.
Y. Questioned your heart. Like every other day.
Y. Been obsessed with Post-It notes.
N. Squished mud through your bare feet. No no no.
Y. Been lost. On different levels.
Y. Been on the opposite side of the country.
Y. Swam in the ocean.
N. Felt like dying.
Y. Cried yourself to sleep.
Y. Played cops and robbers. Chor police. Even handkerchief robbers for that matter. Rumaal chor.
N. Recently colored with crayons. Been ages. I suddenly miss them. The pastel ones.
Y. Sang karaoke. Lol. Drunk half the times.
Y. Paid for a meal with only coins.
Y. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't. I keep doing this. Again and again and again. The some things I just won't learn.
Y. Made prank phone calls.
N. Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose. That's gross.
N. Caught a snowflake in your tongue.
Y. Danced in the rain.
N. A letter to Santa Claus.
N. Been kissed under the mistletoe.
N. Watched the sun rise with someone you care about. Not a morning person.
Y. Blown bubbles. Love them.
N. Made a bonfire on the beach. Did one on a rooftop.
N. Crashed a party.
Y. Gone roller skating.
Y. Had a wish come true.
N. Jumped off a bridge.
N. Ate dog/cat food. Do people do this? They must be desperate.
Y. Told a complete stranger you loved them.
Y. Kissed a mirror.
Y. Sang in the shower. Every damn day. Lol.
Y. Had a dream that you married someone.
N. Glued your hand to something.
Y. Kissed a photo.
N. Climbed a water tower.
Y. Screamed at the top of your lungs.
N. Done a one hand cartwheel. Wish I could.
Y. Talked on the phone for more than 5 hours.
N. Picked and ate an apple right off the tree.
N. Climbed a tree.
N. Had a tree house.
Y. Been too scared to watch a scary movie alone. Always. Even with people.
Y. Believe in ghosts.
N. Have more than 30 pairs of shoes. Pretty near it though.
N. Worn a really ugly outfit to school.
N. Gone streaking.
N. Gone doorbell ditching.
N. Been pushed into a pool/hot tub with all your clothes on.
Y. Told you're hot by a complete stranger.
N. Broken a bone.
Y. Been easily amused. Always.
N. Caught a fish then ate it.
N. Caught a butterfly.
Y. Laughed so hard that you cried. Happens every time I laugh hard. And the stomach hurts.
Y. Cried so hard that you laughed. Or was made to laugh.
Y. Cheated on a test.
Y. Forgotten someone's name. It does happen pretty often with the random people I know.
N. French braided someone's hair.
N. Gone skinny dipping in a pool/hot tub/river.
N. Been threatened to be kicked out of your house or been kicked out of your house.
Y. Loved someone so much you would gladly die for them. Fine, may be not die die, but close to doing anything.
Y. Cheated on someone.
Y. Talk to yourself when no one is around. All the time. Even when there are people around!
N. Hate someone you once loved.
Y. Love someone you once hated. Hated is a strong word. Disliked is more like it.
Y. Kissed the phone for the person on the other side.
Y. Kissed the person on the other side of the phone.

Goodness. This is bloodly long. And I am tired.

Over and out.

2008-09-02T03:49:00.004+01:00

Live your dream.

Rock On. I liked the movie. Sensible, in the recent basket of utterly rotten ones. Young, fresh and alive. Besides the fact that I love Farhan, and watching him rock this movie has only increased the love ten fold.

Anyway. This is not about my love for Farhan or Rock On. This is about dreams. Dreaming the dreams. And living them. All those beautiful, bright and shiny dreams. The chase to realize them. The quest to reign them. The hunger to breathe them. And to finally live them, it is a wonderful feeling indeed. Almost surreal. Beyond imagination.

I dream. I dream and I wish. Wish for them to get real some day. Some dreams do come true. One of mine did a couple of months ago. A dream that I had dreamed for over a decade. I never thought it would. But it did. And there is nothing that can beat the overwhelming feeling of living your dream. Realizing the dream gave me hope. Hope that at the end of the day, life can turn out the way you want it to. Hope that the impossible can turn out to be possible at times. Hope that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Hope that keeps me going.

So all you people. Dream. I know that when they shatter, it gets painful and breaking and killing. And that does happen every once in a while. But you'll never figure out the joys of being on top without having ever been down under. Trust me. It's worth it.

I took destiny in my hands today. After contemplating for hours and looking out for signs and and flipping coins and constantly wondering, I lay it down into my very own hands. And I am waiting to see what happens next. Touch wood.

2008-08-28T04:12:00.004+01:00

How is it that some people have the power to turn your gut upside down in a moment and get it back straight in just the next moment? Amazing. I'm in awe. Me thinks that most of the time, it is about how much power you let the other have on you.

I am so full of all the theory, but completely suck when it comes to the practical use bit. Argh.

2008-08-27T16:20:00.006+01:00

I hope to get out of this mess called me soon. The implications are driving me insane. It's not exactly where I want to be, seriously. No matter how cool I am with everything, this is not one place I want to be at. And I am praying as hard as I can that I don't end up there.

You know what makes life this complicated and screwed up. All the shite that happens and all the shite that the shite that happened makes happen. Got the drift? Every action has a reaction. And every reaction has a reaction. And it keeps going on and on and on, spinning this ugly web all around you. A web of actions and reactions. It's suffocating me. It's getting me all claustrophobic. And I am wondering what I will do with the web when I want to live life again, the assumption that there will be such a day at some point of time, a result of my shiny optimism. I am wondering. And I don't have an answer.

I want to wake up and see that this was just a bad dream, a nightmare, an unreal nightmare. I cannot take the worry. It's killing me. And I don't want this to be the cause of my death.

2008-08-21T15:22:00.004+01:00

The more the universe seems comprehensible, the more it also seems pointless.

- Steven Weinberg

A brilliant thought by, I am assuming, a brilliant person. Isn't that so true. I mean, what are we all running after, busting our asses for. We don't take nothing with us once the party is over. So, what's the point?

Too much philosophy there.

On a lighter note, I was wondering how each one of you came up with your Blogger IDs. Why did I suddenly wonder? Coz I saw some lately that really did not make any sense to me. So I ask you, what exactly were you thinking when you came up with yours.

And why bubbly vodka? Well, someone used to call me bubbly champagne. I figured champagne would be too long to use. So I zeroed down on another favorite, vodka!

2008-08-19T16:16:00.007+01:00

Time. It has been passing by real fast lately. Flying by actually. The days, the week, the months. I'm getting kinda freaked out. I have always tried to push away, procrastinate, ignore, thinking I will have the time to figure them all out later. Tomorrow. Or day after. Or whenever the time is right. But these days, every time I lay my eyes on the calendar, I can feel the time running out. The stopwatch ticking. The sand slipping away from my palms. Like the grip my hands had on time sometime ago vanished overnight. I need to answer all the questions real soon. I need to take the decisions. I need to choose my ways. I'm panicking. Not good.

The weekend flew by. I closed my eyes on Friday night, and it seems like I have opened them straight to a Monday morning. Seriously. The weekend has two days. 48 hours. That is a good amount of time. I know time takes its flights far and away, but never this long. You can't just cruise through 2 days in a 7 day week like it was nothing. I know it probably means I'm having a nice time, loving it, etc etc. Not feeling time drag you through the day is a good thing in the normal world. Agreed on that. But my questions and my decisions and my ways! What am I supposed to do about them? I need to figure something out. Or else I'm screwed.

I felt like I have been living a wishful life today. A wishful life run by my wishful thinkings. Not good. Maybe it's time to pick up the pieces, throw out the imaginary ones, and get going on. Time waits for no man, no?

2008-08-08T19:50:00.006+01:00

You know when you want something. Want it with a passion, want it with a burning desire, want it with a wanting? You run after it. You run chasing after it, leaving your life behind. Leaving your everything behind. And after the ups and downs, rises and falls, makes and breaks, you finally get to it. You finally get it. Hold it in your hands, your very own hands. You can't believe it. It feels surreal. It feels good. It feels pretty damn good. But only for a second. Only for a moment. After which you realize it ain't as great as you thought it'd be. You start wondering about what it was it in that you were after, and you just can't put your finger to it. You just cannot figure it out. And you wonder if it was all worth it. But isn't that all you ever wanted at some point of time? Wasn't getting it what your life was all about once upon a time? Didn't you swear to conquer heaven and earth to get to it?

Is it really always about the thrill of the chase? Is it only about the journey, never the end?

It is funny how priorities change in life. Drastically. Overnight. One day you want something, the other day you wonder why you wanted it. One day you think of walking down the road to your right, the next day you start running back to take the other path instead. Will there never be a live happily ever after, where we can just not want anymore, be satisfied with what we have?

I breathed a breath of air today. The kind of air that I used to breathe a year ago. More than a year ago. It feels good. I miss the air, the breaths in the air. The missing kills my heart and my soul. In fact, they were killed. Already dead. That one breath just made them live again, for a moment. I am glad I breathed it today. I felt like you did too.

Breathe. Please. I need your breaths to breathe.

2008-08-07T15:37:00.003+01:00

There seems to be a new trend in bloggerville. Naya fashion. Going undercover. Making your blog open to invited users only. Pretty funny that three among the five blogs that I hit today turned invitation-only overnight. Fine, maybe not overnight, but since the time I last visited them. I wonder why. What do you think has sparked the trend? Did the level of privacy invasion spike up suddenly or something? Or is it just plain fashionable?

PS - Bloggers who now have invite only blogs, I have nothing against you, I still love you all. I'm just wondering.

2008-08-04T15:26:00.005+01:00

Is it alright to feel this way? Not knowing what to want, what to aim for, what to expect of yourself, what to expect of everything and everyone around you, what to do, what not to do, how much to give, when to stop, what to indulge in, what to refrain from, not knowing almost anything and possibly everything you are supposed to know? Seriously, is it alright to be this lost? At a time in life when you should know everything and do everything you know you should? You're no kid. You're a freaking adult. An adult with a brain. Or a supposed one, one that is supposed to work out everything. Like in an exam, you're supposed to know the answers. You can't survive through school without the answers. You can't get through life without the knowing.

I feel like a fool. A stupid, direction-less, not-in-focus, foolish fool. It's frustrating. Very frustrating. And no matter how hard I try to know, I still don't. I just don't know. Makes me wonder, what I am doing wrong. Or maybe it is all wrong coz I'm not doing anything. Or even trying to.

Letting go. It's not always the best answer to the quizzical questions of life. No one is gonna come and save you when you're drowning. You'll have to swim it out yourself. And even if you don't want to swim and just want to drown, you won't be able to. You'll be stuck in the middle. Smack in the middle of the saving and the drowning. Even the heightened frustration won't take you down. It'll only frustrate you more.

I don't know. Anything. Absolutely anything. And it's frustrating me. To the core.

2008-07-27T16:00:00.006+01:00

Time to catch up on my tags.

The first one is from I Walk Alone. The book tag. Here goes.

1) Take the nearest book lying beside.
2) Read three lines from 5th sentence of page 123.

So the book is The WonderSpot by Melissa Bank. The lines are:

If she wanted me, she called rather than walked down. I opened her mail; I answered her phone; I typed her letters. Instead of asking me to read manuscripts, she said "Take a look."

Pretty senseless eh. Haha. Weird tag to begin with!

The next one is from Buzz. The mosaic tag.

Quick rules :
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

And this are the questions :
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your user name?

And the mosaic turns out to be :

There you go. I tried to choose the most random pictures that turned up on every page for fun. Actually, not the most random, the most random yet pretty picture would be it. And for some strange reason, a lot of the pictures were being repeated with every search.

Alright, now the tag other people bit of both tags, I leave it to you. You like it, you tag it, you do it. Cheers.

2008-07-24T08:34:00.002+01:00

Just when you think you are the only crazy, foolish, insane person on mother earth, someone knocks on your door and lets you know you have company.

:)

2008-07-22T16:25:00.003+01:00

It's been a long time. A long long time. Yeah from the blogging as well. But no, that is not what I am talking about here. It has been a very long time. And every time I think about it, I always count how long it would have been if we were together. Fcuking optimism. Hope. Lost hope. But the fact is that we are not. And we will never be. Not this time. You promised me the next. I'm waiting.

I have tried to move on. I swear I have. I feel like I'm moving. But whenever I stop to look around me, everything is the same. I try to run way ahead, but my feet are glued to where you left me. Or where I left you and me. I don't know what I am going to do. I spend most of my days and nights trying to figure that out. I have been trying to figure out ever since. And I still have no answer, nothing close to an answer. So every damn day, I run, I move and I remain where I am, where I was. Day in and day out. I try.

I need to unlearn and learn again. I need to start to feel again.

I need to move on.

2008-07-11T02:17:00.001+01:00

I wonder if you know I am me. Sometimes I feel like I am in my own dream world, talking to my own dream people. You must know I am me. You can't not know it. I know that you don't need to know, you can just feel me. Right?

2008-07-10T04:47:00.002+01:00

Oh! Why does Bollywood have to come up with these totally melt your heart kinda love songs every once in while, which make you reminisce and become all nostalgic about that perfect, mushy, gooey love that was once in your life and feel like shite and void and empty and horrible. Ohhh, that sucks. It sucks, sucks, sucks. Totally!

2008-07-08T16:52:00.005+01:00

I have learnt in the past four days that life never doesn't always turn out the way you expect it to. You don't do the things you'd planned and end up doing the ones you wouldn't have thought you would. You don't meet the people you were waiting to see, but you most unexpectedly have the greatest encounters with unknown faces. The things you have been waiting for forever never arrive, yet you do find unimaginable surprises coming your way every once in a while. And when you look back at all that has gone past by, it makes you feel like a fool to know how much you planned and expected and waited, all for nothing.

I didn't get on the roller coaster I was waiting to. But hey, life is one hell of a ride and I don't need no roller coaster to get the adrenaline rushing.

2008-07-02T16:26:00.003+01:00

It is tag time. And cheers to Buzz for my first tag ever!

These are the rules:

1. Link the person(s) who tagged you - http://sam-memoirs.blogspot.com/
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

The quircky me:

1. I can fall asleep practically anywhere, in any position (now do not take that literally, that means any not normal sleeping position, no wild imagination here). Moving vehicles - trains, buses, cars, etc are my favorite. They can just rock me to sleep if I'm in them for say, more than 20 minutes. On another note, I am a pretty sound sleeper. The world can fall apart, but I will remain in my dreams.
2. I am a cereal monster. I can finish a whole box of cereal, just on its own, in one sitting.
3. I have a tendency not to open my entire book in front of any one person. There is not a single soul who knows the complete me. The closest anyone has ever got to is 99%.
4. I don't get freaked out at all by exams. In fact, I almost have the I-don't-care attitude when it comes to exams. That is weird, considering most of the world works the other way round. And no, I happen to do pretty fine in them despite the lackadaisical attitude.
5. When I discover a song and really like it, I can listen to it non stop on repeat for a week or two, depending on how much I like it.
6. No matter how pro I may seem at it, I secretly fear public speaking.

I think the entire blog-world has been tagged with this tag already, so I can't really think of anyone more to tag. So if you haven't done this one yet, go tag yourself!

2008-07-01T15:45:00.003+01:00

I live in denial. Denial of my weaknesses. Denial of how much more capable the others are. Denial of loneliness being my best friend. Denial of my dark side. Denial of the missing love. Denial of my immoralities. Denial of my jaded self.

Why do I play this game of hide and seek? Maybe, all of it all out in the open will result in an information overload, a system crash. Maybe, it is my defense mechanism against all the troubles out there. Maybe, denial is the key to survival.

2008-06-24T13:01:00.009+01:00

When it doesn't rain it snows

Yeah the cookie crumbles but in who's hand?

All things said and all things done

Life is short

Oh I am young but I have aged

Waited long to seize the day

All things said and plenty done

Life's too short

Ooo could this be

Ooo could this be the day I've waited for?

Another door to peek in through

The floor is filthy but the couch is clean

At the end of the day

That's another day gone

Life is short, life is short

Ooo could this be
Ooo could this be the day I've waited for?

Oh I am young but I have aged

Waited long to seize the day

All things said and plenty done

Oh I am young but I have a past

Travelled far to find the start

Yes I am scared and I've been burnt

But life is short

- Life is short, by Butterfly Boucher

This is in words because I don't really know how to put links up for songs on the blog. And I am not bothered enough to figure it out right now. Go listen to this song sometime. It's nice.

2008-06-22T03:29:00.004+01:00

It was a sweet surrender. The problem - I surrendered just a bit too much. I surrendered more than I had.

And now I am finding it difficult to find myself.

Am I ever going to find myself? Am I ever going to be myself again? Yeah, it happens again and all that. I know. But it needs to be better each time to take you as high and higher. Coz the high that you now know is no longer a high. Relatively. You know what I mean? It's like the limits that we have. Every time, usually at the most unexpected of times, we surpass our limits, go beyond our comfort zones, find new territories and create new boundaries. But what do you do if this limit was the farthest it could get anyway? What do you do if this was the perfect high? It was the limit that you didn't even know existed in your world, or in any other world for that matter. It was the dream limit. The fairytale high. What happens after that?

I know. The theory of hope. The theory that I never even knew the fence that I reached ever existed. And now I think that there is no other fence. But that is exactly what I used to think before I saw this fence. So the whole thing can work the same way again and I can find a new fence, it's not impossible. Blah blah. No matter how whatever I may seem, I am a hopeless optimist at the end of the day, at the bottom of my heart. And somewhere deep down, no matter how much I shun the thought at first thought, I will keep believing that the theory can, and will work again. The optimism that kills. Maybe that is why I keep trying to grab these unattainable deals with these unrealistically high risks, high to the level where the high-risk-high-return theory just plateaus and fails.

Hope is a bad bad thing. It makes you build all these castles in the air, it makes you dream like there is no tomorrow. And then when you finally step into tomorrow and there are no castles and no dreams and no nothing other than the same old, it pains like crazy. The piercing kinda pain. I remember a movie which put forth a theory. It hurts when the dream breaks, so the solution to a hurt-free life is to stop dreaming. I agree with that, 110%. That is probably the most logical solution. But I can't bring myself to stop dreaming, hoping, building my dream castles. Because I am me. So the problem is me. And that is not gonna change ever, the fundamentals never change. Maybe I will just have to keep dreaming, falling, and rising again to dream another dream.

On another note, I love friends. The real friends. There is nothing better than the real friends. And I love my real friends. Here is the thing about the real friends, versus just the friends. You need to fall to rise. The real ones know just how far down you need to fall before they catch you.

2008-06-18T14:55:00.004+01:00

Charles Dickens once wrote "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."

Very contradictory, right? But tell me, do you relate to it? Coz I do. I absofuckinlutely do. Yeah, I've been watching Sex and the City. The series. In an attempt to figure out what all the hype for the movie is all about. Which I did watch last night. Pretty fine timepass I'd say.

Back to Charles. The good and the bad thing together. You know we have these things. Things which are wrong but feel so right. And then there are the things which are right but just feel so wrong. It's the clash of what we do versus what we should do. And have you ever realized that the more wrong the thing is, the more right it will feel. Which works the other way round too - the right-er a thing, the wrong-er you'll feel doing it. Twisted stuff in the oh so twisted world!

I'm doing it again. And I'm using the 'one life' policy to justify it. Again. I never fail to amaze myself. It just takes one rotten apple to spoil the rest of the basket. It just takes one failed attempt to crush the rest of your tries. It just takes one wrong person to ruin your trust on all the others. It just takes one bad experience to screw up the rest of your life.

2008-06-15T15:56:00.004+01:00

As complicated as the world can get, the laws of attractions definitely leap one notch ahead.

You have the crushes and the infatuations. The stupid gooey feeling you get just by seeing someone, talking to someone, interacting in anyway with that someone. There are the short lived ones. The ones that get boring, the ones that simply die out. The ones that you need to bring you those little bouts of happiness when your down and dull. And then there are the ones that just last forever. The Richard Gere kinds. The kinds that you know will make you weak in the knees even twenty years down the line.

Then come the more complex ones. Love. Lust. These concepts are much more complicated. And that brings about all the confusion, the gray areas. Do love and lust always go hand in hand? Probably not. That is not the right way to phrase it. Lust can obviously exist on its own. Repeat. Does love always come along with lust? Does love need lust for it to be the real love? And we are talking about the opposites attract kinda love here, not the mother/friend/whatever kinda love. The partner kinda love. So do you always need the lust to sustain the love? How much of which do you need to get the correct mix? What if the lust over powers the love in the equation, you know, if there is love but there is much more intense lust along with it. Do we call that love or lust? What do you do with the oodles of chemistry if you do not have enough love to sustain the chemicals in the long term? Just as you can't let love go to waste, can you also not let lust go down the drain?

Someone needs to write a book. The book of love, the book of attraction, the book of whatever. The one with all the answers. And I need to buy that book.

2008-06-14T15:57:00.005+01:00

I have a question for you. Why wasn't it me? Why wasn't it the proactive me? Why did it have to be the reactive me? Why wasn't it simply me?

Time can heal the wound. But it can never erase the scar. There is no plastic surgery here.

2008-06-10T06:08:00.009+01:00

Fcuk. It's hitting me again. I hate it. I feel like someone just dived his hand down my throat and pulled my gut out. Literally. And on the way out he punctured a chamber of my heart, and I can feel it bleeding inside. Bleeding and filling up my chest cavity. I think I'm gonna choke on the blood soon. Too much going on inside. Way too much than my system can handle. When is this going to stop? Seriously, I need to know. It goes all fine for two days, five days, a week and a half. And then a thunderbolt seems to be let loose from somewhere up there, hitting you when everything is bright and shiny, shocking you back to square one. Back to your old, pathetic, miserable self. Ugh. I am disgusted by myself. By how sickeningly weak I can be, how stupidly emotional I can get, and how unseemingly dependent I can behave. I disgust me.

2008-06-05T16:56:00.007+01:00

The world is a complicated place to be in. Seriously. It's like one of those mazes, those puzzles, maybe sometimes even close to a labyrinth. Every decision decides what your next encounter in life will be. Make the perfect choice, and you will step into a paradise with the sound of water trickling in the river and the birds humming in the trees and the lovely flowers and the bright sunshine and all that jazz. Make a mistake and you will be thrown into this boiling-toiling-troublingly hellish place. And it's not that one thing that your decision decides. It's a series of things, and in the worst case, all the series of things that ever happen to you in life. Did you know that that one thing you decide on could change your life? What if that isn't the right answer, the answer that wins you the jackpot? Do we always think about it that way when we do have to think? Do we consider that our life, our one and only life is at stake?!

That brings me to thinking and acting on the thought versus simply acting on the thought without thinking about it. You know what I mean? If every decision we take holds so much importance, we should probably start giving more thought to what we think about. Fine, maybe not all the decisions but atleast half of them. You know, the important ones. But, doesn't all the thinking then kill the whole purpose of living life as u feel like and on impulse and all that gyaan? Contradictory eh.

I am more of the impulsive kind. The one who just acts. Not that I don't think. I definitely do think. A hell lot actually. But at the end of the day, I still do what I feel like, even though all the thinking that I've put into it may tell me to do otherwise. So then what's the point? Of all the thinking. I don't know. Maybe it gives me the assurance that I atleast I thought about it, I knew my options, I had the choice of not doing it, but I did it. Or maybe I just think coz I have a brain which compels me to think. And no regretting. Never. I mean, everything in life is an experience. You have the good ones, you have the bad ones too. Just deal with them. If you know how to spring up to the moon with joy, you need to know how to weep buckets to get over a disaster. The good life is about knowing it all.

It's a game. I'm just hoping that when I'm taking my last few breaths on this planet, I'll be able to say to myself, "Game well played, Missy!"

2008-05-28T15:35:00.002+01:00

Forgiveness. Is it that easy to come by? Not the silly things. The real big bad moronic things in life. The errors. The sins. Are you really supposed to forgive the horrible horrible deeds done by others? Is it humanly possible to forget all of the past and start afresh? I wonder. Coz I can't seem to get to doing it. I mean, if the person has erred infinitely, so much that the list is too long to remember. Am I supposed to be all good and do the forgive-and-forget thing? People ask me to forgive and move on. I can't. I simply can't.

Blood relations. How bloody important is the blood? Isn't it true that the strongest of bonds go beyond the blood? I don't believe in blood relations. I can tell you ten names of people not related to me by blood who mean the world to me, but I can't tell you the name of even five such people who are related to me by blood. And then the world says the blood is it all. Everything. Bullshite.

Money. Is it everything, almost everything, something, nothing? Can it change you as a person? Yes, I know that has a very obvious answer. It shouldn't but it does. Sometimes. It can psyche you into doing things you never knew you were capable of. Or maybe you were just stupid enough not to know yourself. It's sad. Very very depressingly sad. The way it can control you. Money is probably one of the most powerful things ever created by man. Powerful enough to control his own smart mind. Powerful enough to sway his conscience. Powerful enough to turn him into an animal.

Me and my seemingly unrelated blabber.

2008-05-24T10:08:00.003+01:00

I'm not done loving you yet.

I wish I could walk back right into your arms. And you could hide me from the world. The big bad world. Your arms. They were the cure for my every pain. Every single ounce of pain that I ever felt. But I walked away. I ran away from them. And there is no turning back to crash back into them.

But I'm not done loving you yet.

2008-05-17T04:08:00.001+01:00

Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't.

- Grey's

2008-05-16T16:33:00.008+01:00

I'm the man! After months of not being responsible for doing the shite but doing it anyway, after interviewing half a dozen people who were more experienced than me, after racking their tiny little brains over this so obvious decision. They finally gave me the job. Wohooo! Although I shouldn't get really wohooo about it. Come to think about it, some of the responsibilities that come with the role are probably worse off than what I'm doing right now. But the good stuff, is gonna be awesome. The experience - priceless. And getting me closer to my next promotion. Which I am hoping to get by the end of this year. If they concentrate on capability, potential, performance and all those things, instead of looking at the number of years that I have slogged. They'd better give it to me, coz I bloody well deserve it. So much for modesty there. But hey, when you know you've got it, you just do. And it's not only me. My team believes that there is no one better for the job than me. Oh well, as long as the pride is not over inflated, no harm really right? I mean you have to get realistic at the end of the day. Haha.

The week was pretty fine. Two days ago, I was writing our numbers on one of the stupid stats boards when this random guy who was walking past asked me the weirdest question, 'what would happen if i erased all of this?' And I told him that would be my chance to play detective. Or something on those silly lines. We talked about what I did and what he did and all that jazz, and then he walked off. It was stupidly cute I thought. You know how the uncles and aunties like to ask kids silly questions which don't even make sense, just to strike a conversation with the child? Okay I don't know if uncles and aunties do that, but I sure do ask those kinda questions. That was my little girl moment for the week.

And there was this awesome job opening. Which I decided to forego. Coz they just gave me the job. That one is definitely better than the one that I have. But I decided to be nice. I know that right now, the team literally can't survive without me. I felt sorry for M and the girls and the team and the work and decided not to apply. And I know emotions don't have a place in the corporate world and one day this decision is going to come and bite me in the ass. Oh well. I'm not really nice too often. This is one of the rare times that have I decided to be. I will stick to it.

From next week I'm going to be firefighting yet again. For the coming 3 weeks. Omg. Someone or the other is on leave and I'll be practically running the show till everyone is back on track. Coz M is new and doesn't know too much. I wonder what I'm gonna make him do. That's something to think about. And he's my manager. And I'm thinking about this. I should tone it down, give up, learn to mind my own business, blah blah. But I simply can't. Coz I don't think he has the expertise to manage to work yet. I mean he's good with the people but not as good with the work. I hope he'll learn. And I hope I'll learn too, to think about what I'm supposed to think about instead of what others supposed to think about. Me and my smart ass. Argh.

And then M, the other M, is leaving. Leaving for good. Oh no. I didn't really like her work when she first started. But it got better with my constant nagging, which she takes on pretty sportingly coz she knows I'm right. The work is pretty okay now, and I nag when it's not. I have just come to realize that she's a good-hearted bimbo, so she will have to make those mistakes again and again, and I will have to remind her every time. There is just no way out. Despite all that, I really like her. She's fun, young, gossipy - yes, I need my gossip, especially coz I have almost none in my ultra boring life. And she takes up responsibility for the team, which I completely love. Unlike the previous biatch of a manager who didn't know her work or the people bit. I mean wth was she doing as the manager anyway. I was fcuking better than her. She even admitted that to me once. Bleh. Okay, back to M. She's lovely and I'm going to miss her real bad. She's moving to another role in another department. The thing I like most about her is her own self. She's in her mid-thirties, happily, yes happily married with 3 kids, and a rockstar. Seriously, I have never seen a mom like her. A great mother who takes care of her kids, has a demanding job, and yet parties every weekend. She inspires me to be like her someday. To be married and still have a life. A very happening life at that. I will be like her someday. Love you M.

I was talking to Z the other day. And we were on about commitments and marriages. Everyone I know is marriage-phobic in some way or the other. Some so extreme that I prefer not to even talk about the topic when around them. I was telling him that for some weird reason, I am not afraid of marriage, getting married, married life, at all. Not at all. Yes I feel weird and I wonder why. Even he was shocked. I just like the entire marriage concept. Of course, very very dependent on the other person in the marriage. So, considering I have the perfect guy right in front of me, waiting to take me away on his dark black horse, I'm all game for it. Nope, no running away. I think it's probably coz I have seen a lot of happy marriages around me. Not like I haven't had my share of unhappy marriages. But the silly optimist that I am, I still believe that marriages can be happy. They can work out, they can be better than bachelorhood, they can give more meaning to life, and that you can be happy and married at the same time. And everytime I say so, deep down I hope it doesn't turn out the other way for me, if ever, whenever.

I'm trying to write a normal blog here. The normal people's normal life kinda blog. Where people write about their oh so interesting or oh so boring lives. I have just typed out a whole load of crap up there, but I think it's just plain boring. It's difficult to move on. No matter how idiotically optimistic and hopeful and chirpy and happy and whatever I am, I find myself sinking in the sands of the past again. And again. And again. You know how they say the key to being happy and contented is living in the present and all that. God should have just created a mechanism whereby a night of sleep could erase all that had been registered into the brain over the past. Then there would have only been the present, not considering future in the equation of course. That would have helped. Maybe since God didn't, the almighty human race should give it a shot. Whatever. I need to move on.

2008-05-13T13:45:00.004+01:00

So I have finally decided to blog. No, not the emotional senti sad crap you have seen. The life thing. The real my-diary kinda blogging. Not like I have a very exciting life. But I'm sure there will be pretty interesting quick bites you'll be able to snack on around here.

I was happening. Now I'm blogging. Welcome to my boring life.

2008-05-08T15:47:00.005+01:00

mai jaha rahu, mai kahi bhi hu, teri yaad saath hai
kisi se kahu, ke nahi kahu, yeh jo dil ki baat hai
kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai
par chupke is dil mai tanhaai palti hai
bas yaad saath hai.. teri yaad saath hai.. teri yaad saath hai

mai jaha rahu, mai kahi bhi hu, teri yaad saath hai

kahi to dil mai yaadon ki ek suli gad jaati hai
kahi har ek tasveer bahut hi dhundhli pad jaati hai
koi nayi duniya ke naye rangon mai khush rehta hai
koi sab kuch paake bhi yeh mann hi mann kehta hai
kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai
par chupke is dil mai tanhaai palti hai
bas yaad saath hai.. teri yaad saath hai.. teri yaad saath hai

kahi to beete kal ki jadein dil mai hi utar jaati hai
kahi jo dhaage toote to maalein bhikhar jaati hai
koi dil mai jagah naye baaton ke liye rakhta hai
koi apni palko par yaadon ke diye rakhta hai
kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai
par chupke is dil mai tanhaai palti hai
bas yaad saath hai.. teri yaad saath hai.. teri yaad saath hai

mai jaha rahu, mai kahi bhi hu, teri yaad saath hai

Yet again I'm drowning in you. Desperately drowning, and not even trying to save myself. It feels good. Its feels like I'm paying back, for what I did to you. It feels like I need to drown. In you. I wonder if you hate me now. I hope you don't. I hope you have been your kind self, as always, and found a reason to justify my behavior. I hope you still love me. And I hope you believe that I still love you. Coz I still do.

2008-05-03T16:06:00.007+01:00

I was out last night. With a good friend and good friend of hers who is just my friend. Actually just someone I know. We had a nice time, good food and a whole lot of drinks. I feel I've become buddhi. There used to be a time when I could party like crazy. Friday night, Saturday night, and if I could tweak the way things worked somehow, maybe Sunday night as well. It's different now. I like to go out for drinks, just simply drinks and chilling out, rather than dancing away in a club. A bunch of my friends are out tonight. And I simply declined their offer to dance the night away. I'm tired. I don't feel like I have the energy to get ready and go and stay out till the wee hours of the morning. Oh my god. What has the world come to. Yup, that's what a buddy said. Me not wanting to party. The world has changed indeed.

So getting back to last night. I did have quite a bit to drink. And the slight highness. Problem hai. These days, alcohol leads to tears. Luckily it's not like public crying. But once I'm on my own, I find tears streaming down my cheeks. And so that happened last night. I was remembering what I lost. And crying. I cried myself to sleep. It's sad. How something can make you so weak. It's happy in the same way, how something can make you so strong. Sucks. I'm so gullible. Emotionally gullible. I don't even think I know what that means. Back to the alcohol and crying. Somehow I feel that the alcohol will help me escape. But at the end of it all, it just brings me closer. Instead of making me forget, it makes me reminisce. And the alcoholic reminiscence is always teary.

I remember the days when I was with him. Never used to drink as much, only a couple of drinks here and there. Never the sit-and-talk-over-drinks sessions. Never the super-high-after-drink times. Those days, there was this party that I went to and got pissed drunk. So drunk that my friend had to take me to her place. My first drunk ever. I told him about it the next day. And the gussa. He was so angry at me for drinking like a pig and getting drunk and all that. So so angry. I had never seen him so mad at something I did before that. And instead of feeling ashamed of what I did or regretting it, or any of those normal post-gussa feelings, I felt so happy. And I told him that I was feeling happy. Overjoyed. That he cared so much about me, that he so wanted to protect me, that he so loved me. It just made me happy. Seeing me happy didn't really bring down his temper though. He continued with the gussa and had the 'wth is wrong with you, im angry at you for goodness sake!' thing going along with the gussa. And I was stupidly happy.

I miss you. Being so cared and loved and cherished and treasured by you. Your asking me not to drink as much ever again and saying 'I don't care if you think I'm traditional or whatever, but I don't like this and you won't do it again, promise me.' Ab na koi parvah karta hai, na karte hai hum.

2008-04-27T15:40:00.009+01:00

I'm losing it. The bubbly-ness. The chirpy-ness. The lively-ness. The charm. The confidence. The spirit, of everything, including living.

I mean, what's the point. I was always a strong believer in the "love hai to life hai" philosophy, still am. It was fine before when I was bumping into random people and the love kinda love didn't really exist. I may have thought that it did, but it didn't. And I came to realize that sooner or later. Life went on then, with the hope that someday the real deal will come along. And then love bhi hogi and life bhi hoga. But ever since I wrecked the love that was love, actually, I don't see the point in living really. And it's not like there is a chance here and things may work out and I should just hang on in there for the right time to come. There is never gonna be a right time. Even if there could be a time, it is never gonna be right. Not for me. No. That is not how I want it to be. It'll be like building your dream house over a graveyard. Of the other people who wanted the very same dream house. You kill all those people, bury them and then build your dream house above it all. I don't wanna be living over the dead. I don't wanna be starting the right thing with something that is so wrong. So utterly wrong.

I admit I did go down that wrong path for a while. I took a few steps down that road. I just wanted to have a taste of the journey, of the love. The love that was what I had always hoped for but its existence was beyond my imagination. Literally beyond my imagination. And I have no regrets. At all. I am in fact so glad I took those steps. Whatever had come over me and made my feet go in that direction, God bless it. I believe it's one of the best things I've ever done. One of the best and truest things. True and pure. Dil se. Like the real dil se. Something so right. But you know sometimes you're strolling around in this gorgeous place, and suddenly you realize that you're in a place you shouldn't be. A forbidden place. A place where any trespasser gets prosecuted. And once that realization hits you, you go beyond all the gorgeous and just run away the fastest you can, run for your life, not looking back.

Here's the thing. I was strolling. I realized. I ran. After the running, there is supposed to be no looking back. But I am still looking. Still staring. At that gorgeous paradise. And it's killing me. Just the looking. I need someone to come by and slap me awake and take me away. But there's no one. Coz no one even knows that I'm staring. Nobody. The only people that knew I was once there and then ran away have been convinced, by me myself, that I have not looked back and that I never will. But I'm still staring. The staring, the looking, the gazing. It's gotten me exhausted. Tired. My eyes are tired. With all those eye bags and dark circles. But I just can't stop.

Save me. I know that love can happen phir se. Keeping in mind the statistics, probably I will have the love thing going again. Maybe not the same kind, maybe not not as good, but maybe even better. That's just me being logical and optimistic and all the things you should be in situations like this. Whatever. For now, please just save me.

2008-04-23T15:18:00.003+01:00

kisi ke ishq ke vaade.. kahi hum tod aaye hai
magar yeh dil, yeh jaan, shaayad vahi chhod aaye hai

My first post. On my second blog. And I don't even remember what my first blog was like. I don't even know if it still exists, if any living being has ever read it. Or if it has been buried somewhere amongst the infinite blogs on the www. Who cares... this one's about this one.

So, why this blog? I've tried so many ways out. Alcohol. Partying like the world will end tomorrow. Dating. Corporate whoring. Studying again. Nothing works. I keep finding myself back at the same place, the same place where I left him. That moment in time when I said that I don't want him to be a part of my life anymore. When I decided that I was chasing an impossible dream and it was time to wake up and get real. The minute I decided to step out of my fairytale. Yes, this is another one of those blogs, of a previously-lovesick-currently-heartbroken soul. Another one of those attempts to let loose where no one sees but everyone listens, where people judge but you have the liberty to choose the judgments you'd want to give a damn about, where your heart flows but you don't drown. This is my attempt, to let go.

I don't want to let go. Although I say I want to let go, I don't. I don't want to give up. I wish someone could erase all that has happened in my life and his life and we could start over again and be with each other and live in unending ecstasy. The unending ecstasy he opened my eyes to. The unending ecstasy of being loved by him and loving him back. He was my dream. No. More than my dream. Much more than I could ever imagine to be mine. You know they say that when you have love you don't need anything else. I didn't need anything more than him. He was my inspiration, my rock, my passion, my fire, my courage, my determination, my ego, my pride, my everything. My love. My soul.

And why did I walk away? Let's not get there. It's complicated. Yeah, that's what everyone says. But it is. Complicated. What he was, where I was. The destination was the same. For me, the destination was like another galaxy. I didn't see a way we could get there. Ever. He did see a road to the galaxy though, but walking that road would mean burning down all the other paths and bridges we could ever get on for the rest of our lives. See, it is complicated. And probably nonsensical.

But I love him. Although I walked away from him, I still love him. My soul has loved his soul. And these soul things just don't disappear forever, do they. Even if they could, I would never want this one to. It is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. Stupidly optimistic and lovey dovey still. Par kya kare, ishq kiya hai. I owe him an explanation. On why I suddenly turned into something he could not even recognize. Something that woke up one day and wanted to run away from everything. Something that would snarl and growl and bite and even devour anything that came in her way of escape. A monster. A monster his love could not tame. His love, that had been the most powerful thing over the same monster until just the night before.

Maybe she ran away because she was scared. Of the road to the destination. Maybe she wanted to get real. Or maybe she ran away because she saw no other escape from her beautiful misery. The misery of not being with him. The misery of not being able to feel his love beyond his words and his voice. The misery of dying with the thought of not being able to do it ever in her life. Her beautiful misery. I don't know. I really don't.

Told you it's complicated. Later.